This time on The Best Damn Podcast Ever we get down and dirty with an update to Redline, Garriott comes down from his high (He had to be high to spend $30 million to go to space), THQ picks up the "Fiddy-Cent" game, Soulja Boy tells 'em about Braid (WHOOOOOP!!!), Quick rundown of the DSi, Halo 3: Recon, the new Xbox Experience, Diablo 3, Little Big Planet, Gametap's failure, Burnout Paradise WITH BIKES!!! Also, Miller's fun time at the gun range and Fic banned from Halo 3. All this and more...

Releases: Fallout 3 (360, PS3, PC), Motorstorm: Pacific Rift (PS3), Little Big Tape (Little Big Planet for those not using Miller-speak), Guitar Hero: World Tour (360, PS3, Wii), Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3 (360, PS3, PC), Moto GP '08 (360, PS3, PC), Penny Arcade Adventures Episode 2 (XBLA)

Judgement: Fic's Gamerscore Masocism Fiesta 2000 continues with Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End; Blake's mini-judgements for Dead Space and he makes mention of Saint's Row 2's collectors edition extras; Miller's review bonanza for PS3 (He only uses it for Blu-Ray), Wii Golf, Metal Gear Solid 4, Ratchet and Clank: Future (As we all know and have known, Miller hates games. Nothing to see here, move along.)

Jank:Portal: Still Alive (XBLA), GTA: San Andreas (XBLA), Duke Nukem 3D (XBLA)

Feedback: A few voicemails (Including a special someone) and a TON of crappy emails

Stump: Five Days a Stranger, Cadaver, Powerstone (Again)

Battle returns...2 contestants, both of which turn out to be worthless bitches.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

So, the review that caused a stir by a few in the forums. THIS is Gears of War 2. Now, I know the guys will talk about this game on the show, but I wanted to do a review on an actual game for a change and get away from Flash games. Let me start off by saying, I was a fan of the first game. Sure, the story was lacking and it became quite repetitive, but I liked it. Now, on to the second one. What can I say; the game is great.

The story is actually a part of the game this time. Joshua Ortega did a great job taking a really piss poor back-story from the first one and crafting quite the compelling narrative. Many of the loose ends from the first are tied up quite nicely and we have some form of closure. There are still a few plot holes, but they are necessary for reasons you can ascertain from completing the game. In a time when most shooters just rely solely on their namesake, this one stands out to me for some reason. Some may complain, but this is a thousand times better than Halo 3's story.

Graphically, the game has been punched up quite a bit. There is more than just brown on brown (They added a tan color to some things this time). Seriously though, the outdoor forest areas are very impressive, with a good amount of destructible trees to take down. The cityscapes are some of the best I've seen. There is also a wide variety of areas now as well. As I said before, there are outdoor forest areas, the usual burned out cities, but there are also snow capped mountain tops and you even go in to "the belly of the beast". Literally. All in all, much improvement was made to give a more diverse playing field this time around.

Game play has been tweaked as well. A ton of new kill animations (besides the fan favorite curb stomp) have been added, my favorite of which is the sniper rifle kill. The weapons are all still fairly balanced during single player and have received quite a few tweaks in the multiplayer as well (Which I'll go into in a bit). There is a good variety of different game play sections in the game. I won't ruin any of them, but suffice to say there is more to driving than just tanks in this one.

The new multiplayer is one of the real stars of the show here. While most of the old game types just got tweaks that make them VERY fun, the standout in the multiplayer is the new Horde Mode. You and up to 5 of your buddies are set in the map of your choosing and have to defend against 50 waves of enemies with ever-increasing difficulty. Now I played a game with one other friend...the @$$hole goes running for ammo and dies at the very beginning of the match, leaving me to fend off the entire Locust horde on my own. There were some very tense moments in my stand against about 20 to 30 enemies. Keep in mind they have very good AI and pinned me in a room with no ammo. It's moments like these that make me want to keep playing again and again.

All in all, this game is great. If you weren't a fan of the first, give this one a rent and see what you think. If you were a fan of the first and don't have this one yet...WTF ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!? Go get this heat now. After much deliberation and thought, I decided to not give out a rating for this one. Why you ask? Well, I turn it back around on you...Why should I? Instead I just give you a pic of a chainsaw battle, because chainsaws are awesome.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

This week, we have an interview conducted by Kalex. He would not reveal how he got the interview, but rumor is that he used his updated forum pic in the negotiations.

For all you people hiding under the rock that is mainstream games, and haven't bothered to stick your head into the bottomless cesspool that is shareware, you may not have heard of Wolfire Software.

Wolfire was started by mad scientist and future prophet David Rosen. It started with David as an innocent young lad, entering into the iDev games contest. The first entrance made by David was in 2001 with GLFighters. Inspired by games like Marshmellow Duel, GLFighters featured two players in a variety of mazes trying to murder each other with a variety weapons: swords, lightsabers, laser guns, and a large collection of automatic weapons that would put the NRA to shame. While fun, it usually devolved into matches between siblings killing each other and tea-bagging their brother's corpse before they could respawn.

A year later, David submitted another freeware game by the name of Black Shades. In this you played a psychic bodyguard with the ability to slow down time and have an out-of-body experience, which the game Prey later ripped off. The point of Black Shades was to protect a VIP from armed assassins for a certain amount of time. The player would, at the last second shoot, him in the kneecaps, and laugh satanically as the pansy man in a white suit crumpled to the ground.

The last Wolfire game to be submitted to iDev was Lightning's Shadow in 2003. Lightning's Shadow was a Worms-style game in which you played a crazed monk out to kill other crazed monks in a contest to see who was the most mentally disturbed. Of course, the monks were all magic users, so to kill each other you had a few spells that fell into three categorys: ZAP, BURN, or FREEZE. Each round was only over when all but one of the monks had been suitably roasted, toasted, flayed, blown up, electrocuted, or heavily lobotomized due to chronic frostbite.

All of these games got critical acclaim in their respective years, so of course all the fame and fortune went to the creators head. The next project was a shareware game named Lugaru (pronounced Loo-GAR-oo), a freeform hand-to-hand combat game in which you played a bipedal bunny rabbit named Turner with superhuman martial arts skill and a surprisingly low IQ to match. After being tricked into leaving his village, Turner returns to find his friends and family slaughtered by the local raiders. So with nothing better to do, Turner swears vengeance on those who did this and sets out to find the raiders and brutally murder them in their dreamless sleep. Turner logically takes the next step down this road and commits regicide on the rabbit monarchy in order to save the island of Lugaru, as well as having to kill off a bunch of wolves who want to dine on the delicious inhabitants of the island.

The game did well for a shareware game, especially in Mac communities that thought it was the best thing since EV Nova. Now, David Rosen has started the end of days. By rallying together a group of talented people, he now sets out to take on the world with his new game, the sequel to Lugaru which now has an official name: Overgrowth. You will again play Turner, and when asked how the sequel will be different, Jeff Rosen of Wolfire Software said "Lugaru was kindergarten, Overgrowth will be grad school." Interesting, but how much of the Lugaru style violence will we get? "Overgrowth puts the DIE in indie!" Which better mean I'll be able to kill enough people to fill a small country.

Recently I had the chance to sit down and talk with John Graham, COO and QA Grunt of Wolfire Software. While much of Overgrowth is still under wraps, I managed to get some answers out of him. I would like to thank John, and by extension Wolfire, who took time out of the day to be kidnapped and tortured in a grizzly fashion at Best Damn Podcast Ever HQ.

Best Damn Podcast Ever: So what made you think of the name Overgrowth?

John Graham the QA Grunt: Phillip (Isola, Programmer) came up with the name Overgrowth I believe, while we were having trouble figuring out a name

BDPE: Really? Well tell Phillip to ask for a raise.

John: (Laughs) We discussed names for a while when we weren't busy working. We feel that it's at least a triple entendre but won't say why yet

BDPE: Is Turner's hair going to grow in real-time? When it grows long enough you get the Overgrowth bonus, complete with dandruff?

John: That's an interesting idea, I'll forward that to David and see what he thinks about it, I'm not sure Overgrowth will have hair care technology but we will have some kind of fur shader

BDPE: From what I've seen of the technology you guys are putting into this, so far I'm impressed.

John: We think we're doing a lot of things that other companies might not think of, all our developers are good at coming up with new ideas. We've noticed mainstream games tend to recycle the same old features a lot, it's part of their business model, but us indie guys can take some risks.

BDPE: What are your feelings though if Wolfire ever gets big? If Overgrowth turns into a breakout hit instead of a cult classic, what will happen?

John: Oh gosh, that's pretty far down the road. If we have the good fortune to be able to expand we want to do it slowly and carefully. The last thing we want is for wolfire [sic] to turn into another gamedev beaurocracy [sic].

BDPE: Final question. What are your words to people who think you should 'Get a real job'?

John: Two parts I guess. If you mean that start-ups aren't real jobs: It's surprisingly hard to work for yourself. Building a company out an amorphous blob of an idea is a very daunting task. However, I think Wolfire fortunately has great focus and an extremely experienced team. So we're optimistic and we're working harder than we did when we had "real jobs".

If you mean making video games isn't a real job: We think that video games are the up and coming entertainment industry. Technology is always improving and along with it so will the experience that can be created by game developers. I think in the long run the video game industry will be the major entertainment industry.

BDPE: Thank you for sitting down with us to answer our questions.

John: No problem, have a good one.

BDPE: You too.

Wolfire is now accepting pre-orders for Overgrowth, which allows for early beta-testing to the game, and a super-secret Bat Cave forum to discuss Overgrowth. So head over to their site at http://www.wolfire.com to pre-order or keep up with their blog, which they update often about graphics plateaus.

In closing, keep the wise words of Jeff in mind:

"Give us money," Wolfire, LLC

Alright, back again with another irreverant review. This week we have another Flash game that I just could not pass up doing a review on. It will be a REALLY short review and you will see why if you play "Don't Shoot the Puppy". I believe this one may even tax the gaming skills of The Great Ficarratto.

Graphically the game is fairly simple. The hand drawn look works for this game. There are quite a few different elements that may catch you by surprise as well. When the puppy is "taken care of", you will probably not be moved to tears. However, if you figure out the secret of the game, it will drive you NUTS!!!

Gameplay is fairly simple. Screw that, it is THE MOST SIMPLE GAME YOU WILL EVER PLAY. I won't ruin the secret to "playing" the game but if you aren't a patient person, you will hate the game. I also ask that NO ONE ruin the "gameplay".

Overall, this is just a waste of time for sure, but it was just too funny for me not to put up a review. The graphics fit the type of game it is. The gameplay is simple once you figure it out and can drive you insane if you let it. Again, don't ruin the game for others by telling people how to play it. Just laugh at the people that can't figure it out. As for a rating...How can a game about shooting puppies get a rating? Easy, you put it at 3 dogs that EVERYONE wanted to shoot back in the day but never could. Just imagine the dog on screen as this little bastard.....

PLAY IT HERE!!!

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

Back in the saddle again, Buck, Fic, Miller, and guest host of few words Ryan Meier talk about swindling money, killing animals (Keep in mind, BDPE does not condone this action....for the most part, maybe), the Gears 2 media blitz, Nerf guns, Dyack's douche comments and lawsuit against Epic. Also, Burnout's release on PSN and digital distribution. All this and more, so listen up and quit bitching about no shows.

Releases: Ratchet and Clank: Quest for Booty (PS3), Too Human (360), Galaga Legions (XBLA), Tank Universal: Challenger Eight (PC)

Judgement: XBLA Summer Blowout: Geometry Wars 2, Braid, Bionic Commando: Rearmed, Galaga Legions, Castle Crashers

Jank: The Club (360/PS3) and Blake Buck's Tony Hawk Tower (Multiple Systems)

Feedback: Same as always, bad voicemails and emails.

Stump: Demon Rush, Return of the Phantom, Epic Pinball

Quote: "I dunno Little Timmy, you did rape a squirrel last week...."

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

Alright guys, seeing as no one will help me out of what I have surmised as a damned bathroom. (Thanks for the internet access MattK, what a nice guy. Now get me the hell out of here!!!) By the way, I hope everyone had a chance to read the latest Lights! Camera! Press Start! Good articles all around.

So what do I have on tap this week? This will be a review of a the first game in a series and a brief rundown of the rest of the games. I actually started this article before I even knew the first game was coming to the Virtual Console, but now that it has been released this review is even more fitting. The games in question? The Cho Aniki series. (Sometimes you will see it spelled as "Choaniki" or "Chouaniki") The series consists of 6 games that span from the PC Engine Super CD all the way to the Playstation 2 (And now being re-released on the Wii Virtual Console)

The first in the series (Which is the only one I had a chance to play), Cho ANiki, was released in 1992 on the PC Engine Super CD by Masaya. It is a side scrolling shooter in which you play as either Idaten or Benten. with the aid of the now iconic Samson and Andon you fly around the screen shooting all types of approaching enemies. The plot invovled the characters shooting their way through various locations to stop Bo Emperor Bill from repleneshing his supply of protein by establishing protein factories....You know what, who cares. The games have all quickly become known as "the gay Japanese game". (Not that there's anything wrong with that) And yes, I'll agree the game can certainly be seen in that light, it is hella fun to play. The first game in the series is not as far out there as the sequels, but it is still pretty out there. The art style, while odd, is pretty good for the time consisting of hand drawn everything. Koji Hayama does an extremely great job with the music as well.

In 1995 Masaya released Ai Cho Aniki for the PC Engine. In the sequel you took control of Samson and Adon to stop Bo Emperor Conshyasu from raising the Neo Builder Army to fight Idaten and Benten. However, they original protagonists fall in love and elope (Benten was a woman)....You know again, story doesn't matter. The game was similar to the first.

Also in 1995 Masaya released Cho Aniki Bakuretsu Ranto Hen for the Super Famicom. This was the last game of the series developed by Masaya and it was a fighting game.

Again in 1995 another game in the series was released, this time for the Sony Playstation and the Sega Saturn entitled Cho Aniki: Kyukyoku Muteki Ginga Saikyo Otoko. This game is often looked upon as the worst playing game in the series because of difficulty and play mechanics.

In 2000 a new game in the series was released for the Wonderswan by Bandai. This one called Cho Aniki: Otoko no Tamafuda. This was an RPG that played the battles out as a card game. No clue why the change was made.

In 2003 Global A Entertainment released Cho Aniki: Seinaru Protein Densetsu for the Playstation 2. This one has Samson and Adon floating around a glob of "protein". By this time I think the developers were throwing around the protein bit for nothing more than shits and giggles so people would call the series even more gay. (Again, not that there's anything wrong with that)

So, this one ran a little long but all in all the series is really weird. Good graphics, great music, and some of the least subtle imagery in the gaming industry. I feel for a rating on this series, I will have to be really careful not to tread too far in to the realm of the games. So, I give the series 3 pairs of dudes flexing out of 5. (You didn't really think I'd go with something protein related did you?)

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

VOTE AT PODCAST ALLEY!

By Reclusive Writer Matt K, who has Spawn chained up in a bathroom with a dull hacksaw.

(Someone please help me, I can't get out....Anyone?? HELLO!!!!)

The Last Starfighter(1984)

Cast
Lance Guest
Robert Preston
Catherine Mary Stewart
Norman Snow
Dan O'Herlihy

Director
Nick Castle

So how to describe this story...the briefest would be to say Star Wars minus the Jedi stuff set in the here and now. Okay, so a bit more elaboration: Alex Rogan (Lance Guest), a trailer park handyman, yearns to escape the mundanity of his life. However, instead of studying for college loans and scholarships, he prefers to spend his free time playing Starfighter, an arcade game too good for where its at. However, despite the universal credo of parents everywhere, Alex's video game playing does do him good, as the breaking of the high score automatically drafts Alex into the Rylan Starfighter Corps, where he is tasked with fighting the Rylans battle for them against the Ko-Dan Armada, led by Xur (Snow), a Rylan traitor. At first, Alex refuses, obviously needing to get back to the oppressive lifestyle he'd been bitching about all through the movie. Luckily, after the other Starfighters are destroyed in a sneak attack, Alex pulls his head out of his ass and goes back to defeat the Ko-Dan through button-mashing and the severe ineptitude of the enemy. Alex is given a heroes welcome to from both the Rylans and the trailer park, where he goes to pick up his girlfriend (Stewart) since he needs to rebuild the Starfighter Corps and no one there probably matches him anatomically for some heroic fucking. And thus the saga of the Last Starfighter begins!...and ends.

This film plays out like lame Mary Sue Star Wars fan fiction altered to avoid copyright infringement (and would go unrivaled until the release of Eragon). What no one bothered to tell the writers is that the Star Wars Trilogy had ended the year before, the bad rip-offs had already come and gone, and no one really wanted to see more of the same repackaged with 80's CGI. And while the Star Wars Trilogy contained many incredibly memorable characters, most of the characters here are pretty much forgettable. Perhaps the best character is Centauri (Preston, his final role), the creator of the arcade game Alex plays. The aliens, aside from a few of the Starfighters, come off as Battlestar Galactica rejects. The Rylans are the worst example, being nothing more than balding white people who chew scenery like it were made of Laffy Taffy (and Xur is the worst of them), and considering they are not only responsible for the shit hitting the fan but also for creating the Starfighters, one has to wonder why they are opting to stay off the front lines. Grig(O'Herlihy), Alex's co-pilot, is a poor man's Chewbacca, and you'll be begging to hear the fuzzball's grunts and growls instead of this guy's old man wheeze-laughs. As for the trailer park residents, they're just there to show how much Alex wishes to leave the shit hole, and the prime example I'll describe at the end of this section. Once Alex goes into space, you'll forget these guys until the story deems it necessary how much Alex's Beta Unit (Guest, unsurprisingly) is fucking up what little social life he had.

Speaking of 80's CGI, all the space ships and space sequences are fully created with the future animation staple (with the minor but incredibly noticeable exception of every explosion). While impressive for its time, it's really no more than a quaint experiment and a means of saving money. Return of the Jedi utilized no CGI for its space battles, and quite honestly they still look good today, and that was a year before this film. Still, for CGI before Terminator 2, it is great, perhaps second behind Tron.

As a final note, I would like to say how personally horrifying Alex's shithead little brother (Christ Herbert) is. We first see this kid as he pretty much ignores his mother;s protests that he not shoot at their neighbors with a pellet gun, making Bamm Margera look downright polite and considerate in comparison. Later, we see that he has an extensive collection of Playboy magazines, as if he has a subscription, and considering the little shit hasn't even dropped his pair, let alone know what to do with it, this just comes off as stupid rather than humorous. At the end, he's at the arcade machine to practice for his chance to become part of his older brother's Starfighter Corps. I'd have signed the kid up immediately, hoping the little fucker crashes into the first meteor he passes.

Gamer Culture Exposed

One would suspect that the video game industry secretly funded this film, banking that all the kids coming out of the theater would begin pumping quarters into Space Invaders in hopes that all the time and money they've previously committed to what was, so far, just a quaint hobby. Sure, we've all joked about it, but none of us came out of two-hour sessions of Street Fighter II knowing kung-fu.

And let's be honest, college loans are not refused because you come from a shit hole trailer park. They are competitive and accomplishment-based, and poor Alex just doesn't want to admit that he probably put just a little too much time wishing and pumping quarters instead of...you know...STUDYING. Sure, Alex got lucky this time, but are we all to put hope that we'll be recruited into some video game related force or league that will serve as our career? How many girls do you know immediately dropped what they were doing to become hookers after seeing Pretty Woman?

Once again, we get ANOTHER scene where everyone watches the main character play a game. What elevates this to a more ludicrous degree is Alex's boss calling all trailer park residents from whatever mundane task they were doing to watch. What's worse, the fact that no one has nothing better to do or that Alex considers this the highlight of his life?

It's odd that the moviemakers didn't seek to create a game tie-in for this movie, although they do allude to one in the credits. Perhaps they were afraid our warped, fragile minds would feel they were being recruited into the Rylan Star League? Paranoid? Not so fast! Seems that someone, perhaps in the army, recently saw this and developed America's Army with the sole purpose of opening a gamer's eyes to the opportunities of utilizing their 1337 shooting skills in a real world setting. With this in mind, the film seems to become a 90 minute recruitment message for the military. "Hey guy, not good enough to get into college? Come join the Starfighter League!" Hey, scoff all you want, but just make sure you read the fine print during the demo mode of the next game you play, or you may find yourself digging a foxhole in some morally-ambiguous war...excuse me, freedom force.

Availability

This isn't too hard to find on DVD. Plenty of copies are available at perfectly affordable prices. It even made the jump to high definition last year when it was released on HD-DVD. Yep, 20 years later and the producers are STILL making dated, bone-headed decisions.

Pretty much nostalgia is what drives this film, so if you enjoyed it back in the 80s, you'll probably like it now (I obviously missed it). If you were born afterwards and saw Star Wars, you'll really only see this as a laugh. Still, nostalgia has brought about an off-broadway musical...for what that's worth.

Formula
click on image to enlarge

You kids and your new fangled game machines really irritate me some times. Sure, I have most of the next-gen consoles but I don't forget the classics. This new Bionic Commando Rearmed, while good,will never hold a candle to the original. Yes, I realize it is almost the same game but "almost" doesn't cut it. So today, let's do a little history of the game and a quick review.

In 1987 Capcom released an arcade version of the game. While good, this isn't the Bionic Commando we all know and love. It wasn't a huge success. so Capcom tweaked the formula and in 1988 they released our beloved classic on the NES. There was also a Gameboy version in 1992 that no one remembers, because honestly, it was on the Gameboy and it wasn't Tetris.

The story is fairly simple. The Badds (Nazz in the instructions and imperialist Nazis in the Japanese verstion), under the leadership of Generalissimo Killt, (or Weizmann in the Japanese version) devise a plan to build The Albatross to resurect Master-D (Hitler in the Japanese version) to lead them to domination of the world. The Federation decides to send in their special commando, Super Joe (Who is the lead character in the game Commando) to infiltrate the enemy. Well Joe is captured. So The Federation sends in Radd Spencer (The dude with the "bionic" arm) to save him. Maybe the story isn't so simple.

Graphically, the game was impressive for the time. The animations were good and the end scene is always a spectacal to behold. The music was great and anyone who has played the game can easily recognize the songs after only a few notes.

Gamplay consists of side scrolling action and top down sections if you encounter an enemy on the stage select screen. The side scrolling sections are the main portion of the game and really show off the bionic arm action. Radd has no jump, so you must traverse the levels using his bionic arm to swing and climb your way through the levels. There are a few different gun types, but you can make it all the way through the game using the standard gun. (Except for certain sections that require different gun types)

Overall this game is a classic. Yes, the Rearmed version is great but does it really hold a candle to the original? I literally connect up the NES specifically to play this game. If you have ONLY played the Rearmed version you are doing yourself a great disservice and should have your gamer status revoked. I usually go with a joke rating, but this one is no joke. I give it, 5 exploding Master-D heads.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

VOTE AT PODCAST ALLEY!

This week we are gonna jump in the proverbial "Way Back" machine and go, well, way back. All the way to the year 1958. The video games were NOT plentiful back in these days (From what I hear, there is no way in hell I was even thought of back then). Then, William Higinbotham decided that people were getting bored visiting the Brookhaven National Laborator and decided to give those bastards something to do. He created Tennis for Two. Now you youngsters may not have heard about this game; hell, no one had until the 70's or 80's.

Now the graphics on this one aren't up to par with today's standards, but hey, it was 1958. The game was basically a side view of a tennis court (Not top down like Pong) and had no "players" to speak of. Honestly, it is just a horizontal line, an oval shaped ball with a light trail, and a so-called "net" that is nothing more than a fat piece of vertical line.

Gameplay, you may ask (Okay, I'm sure you didn't ask but I'm gonna tell you), was controlled by transistor switches to control the fast and furios ball bouncing action. Nothing more to say really about the gameplay.

So, all in all we get one of the fore fathers of gaming that plays on an analog computer and had tons of resistors, transistors, etc to make 3 graphical items work together to form a cohesive game. Controls seem like they would be simple enough and I don't see how anyone could complain about the tried and true "hit ball over net" gameplay. For nostalgia and being one of the first video games ever, I give it two balls (No dirty minds people, they're tennis balls)

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

VOTE AT PODCAST ALLEY!

This week I've got a good one for you guys. Let me start by saying this is one of the best games I've ever played. The version I played is for Windows, but I'm pretty sure if you look hard enough you can find a version that will work on whatever system you have. In a world where exclusivity is a big deal, this game has been multiplatform for a while and it has always done it right. The game has been around for a while, but I doubt it has ever gotten a proper review. The game you ask? SOLITAIRE!!! This ain't your daddy's card game, well, maybe it is but this version is DIGITAL. That's right, they have finally done it. They have made a version of the beloved card game for your personal computer (Hell, it's also on every other device out there. I've even seen it on a calculator and a wristwatch)!!!

The object of the game is to use all the cards in the deck to build up the four "suit stacks" in ascending order, beginning with the aces. Suit stacks are cards stacked in the four areas in the upper right corner of the screen in ascending order (For example, you can play a 2 of hearts on top of the Ace of hearts). Now this sounds easy, but the cards are all mixed up and you have to create what is known as "row stacks" to get the cards in the suit stacks. Row stacks are cards stacked in a descending order alternating between red and blacks (For example, you can play a 2 of hearts on top of a 3 of clubs). Now if you have an open section for a new row stack, you can only move a King to that row to start a new row stack. Hopefully you guys are still with me on this; I know it can be a bit confusing. There is one more bit of complexity to this game, so keep up. If you run out of moves in the row stack area, you can choose to draw cards from the deck, which is located in the upper left corner. Now can setup the options to draw either 3 cards or 1 card, this is a personal preference. Once you get started playing this one, you will get the hang of it.

The graphics on this game are top notch. All the card face graphics are amazing, the Queens, Kings, and Jacks all look so realistic. And the number cards have the best designs in the game. In the version I played, you can change the design on the back of each card as well (I went with clouds because it was a rainy day outside).

All in all, I can HIGHLY recommend this game to anyone. With the complex gameplay, the outstanding graphics, and the addictiveness it can have this is one of the best games I've played in at least the past 5 years. I give it 5 Queens.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

VOTE AT PODCAST ALLEY!

First let me thank Clarice Starling, with the help of Hannibal Lecter, for saving me from the penis-tucking crazy man with lotion. That was not a fun trip to go on and I DO NOT recommend it to anyone. Damn you MattK.

Anyway, this week I have an odd little 3D puzzle game that I just happened to try the demo out on XBLA and wound up loving. It's called Roogoo. Yes, I know the name can be made to sound quite gross and honestly had the same thoughts myself at first, but let's move on from that shall we.

So the story goes like this, the planet Roo has been attacked by the Meemoo and you are tasked with saving the entire Roogoo race. You know what, the story in this case doesn't matter a whole helluva lot. Just know that there is some cutesy little creatures that need your help. And you help by playing a puzzle game.

The object of the game is to turn the platforms that have different shaped holes by using the right and left bumper buttons, matching the stacks of shapes that fall from the top of the screen to get them to the next platform. Sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!! This game gets unbelievably tough as you progress. The shapes come in waves at times and you will be trying to match up 2 and 3 sets of shapes. They also come faster and faster from the top and it begins to be a real pain. Not only that, there can be obstacles over the holes in the land sections. (Meemoo, flappers, etc) You can also speed up the falling shapes as they fall. Again, it all sounds simple in theory, but can be frustrating. No more frustrating than Geometry Wars 2, which I will not go into here. There are also a few multiplayer features which are pretty fun if you can find someone to play it with you. (It is Live compatible, but there are only a few people that play it)

The graphics are pretty standard puzzle game fair and nothing to write home about.

Overall, the game is fun, but if you get easily irritated by puzzle games, please stay away. I don't want to get death threats because you can't beat level 3-2 or something. Roogoo is available for XBLA and PC (Sorry Mac users). I had a tough time coming up with a rating system, but I finally thought up something. I give this one 3 sets of Meemoo playing chicken, with one referee. (3 1/2 stars if you will)

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

VOTE AT PODCAST ALLEY!

By Reclusive Writer MattK, who has Spawn down in a pit and forcing it to rub lotion on its skin.

Bishop of Battle from Nightmares (1983)

Starring
Emilio Estevez

Director
Joseph Sargent

Teenager J.J. Cooney (played by twenty-something Emilio Estevez) plays the typical teenager: rocking a rat tail (hey, it IS the 80's after all), complaining about school, getting into fights with parents over school, hustling hair-netted latino gang members for money to play more video games. Yes, J.J. needs all the money he can to fuel his deadly habit: reaching level 13 in the Bishop of Battle. The Bishop of Battle, with a floating vector-head Bishop (bearing a familial resemblance to Andross’s vector head from Star Fox) that taunts the player in the typical 80’s robo voice, is J.J.’s obsession, as kids whisper in hushed tones that no one can reach the final 13th level, going so far as to believing that it doesn’t exist. Their heeds fall on J.J.’s deaf ears…well, perhaps his punk-blasting-head phoned ears. J.J. insists that he’s heard tell some “Kid From Jersey” has made it to the 13th level (I’m guessing his initials are KFJ), and he aims join this elite rank of video game warriors. J.J. will let nothing stop him: not his friends insisting on eating pizza (which he considers lame…”spending money on pizza? As if!”), not the manager of the arcade who kicks him out for something stupid like “closing time” despite J.J. self-proclamations of being his “best customer,” not his parents who ground him for bad grades, not even the warnings of his best friend Zock (no, that’s not a typo, the damn kid’s parents hate him enough to not even name him after the Lego Maniac!). After running out of the house, J.J. breaks back into the mall, powers up the Bishop of Battle, and, despite the mediocre skills he displays during the typical montage, manages to finally beat level 12, which prompts the machine to partake in epileptic fits and fall apart. J.J. thinks this is funny and isn’t all that concerned that he’s not only committed breaking and entering, but also destruction of property. The game soon wipes the smile from his face, zapping him with some kind of laser beam and sending out all kind of vector-enemies from the smoldering heap at him. J.J. proceeds to shoot at them with the gun that broke off from the machine (he shows surprise AFTER aiming and shooting…what the fuck was he expecting it to do?), but soon makes a hasty escape…only to be cut-off by the BISHOP OF BATTLE!...who seems to be a lot larger in the real world. Having dropped the gun before leaving (brilliant), J.J. has no recourse but to scream in horror as the Bishop approaches him. In the final act, Zock and J.J.’s parents, having searched everywhere but the most obvious location for J.J., head for the mall arcade, where the owner and all his customers (obviously not his best customers) discover that all the machines have been destroyed in some kind of strange firefight. Well, all except one. Zock walks over to the reformed Bishop of Battle game in time to see his best friend on the game screen, to be vectorfied and placed as the new game avatar…the Bishop of Battle taunting all comers.

You know Jack Thompson is waiting for the day that he can present this as evidence for why video games must be kept out of the hands of minors. After the success of Tron, moviemakers didn’t waste any time in jumping on this hot new trend of placing video games in just about any crap movie. While movies like WarGames and The Last Star Fighter do have merit…if nothing else for the sense of nostalgia, this piece of anti-game propaganda seemed to head in the other direction, using games more as a warning of its harmful effects on society. However, the film doesn’t seem to make clear which of the dangers is more poignant. Is it the “fact” video games lead to kids not wanting to spend money on pizza? Is it the poor school grades and rude behavior towards parents? Is it the tendency to commit vandalism and other dastardly acts? Or is it that too much video game playing leads to video games coming into the real world to do actual physical battle with the winners? I can’t imagine what type of programming would have to go towards the game to bring about that particular feature. Needless to say, any attempt at creating any sane, if misguided, social message against video gaming is lost towards the film’s horror “twist” that’s so ludicrous the Crypt Keeper would consider it beneath him. Even if you consider yourself a “bad video game movie connoisseur,” don’t feel bad that you’ve not heard of this before. The film's poster even says that this is one of those films "you've never heard of." That's pretty sad.

Perhaps the best thing about this film is the filmmakers didn’t waste their time by trying to stretch out the lame concept into a full length feature film and instead decided to limit it to a segment of a four-part horror anthology. Of course, that means you have to sludge through 3 other “not scary” tales, unless, of course, you decide to just fast-forward to the segment (do you really think this film would have a DVD release? See below). Other than that, there’s nothing good to say about it. The acting is over-the-top after-school special; the plot too, for that matter. The whole thing looks as if it was shot (poorly) for television but then given a theatrical release (it was). The vector graphics (oooooh) are incredibly dated, along with everything else in the film (like an arcade owner would only charge a single quarter for such a “hot game”). As a film, it’s barely worth the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment. If Tron was a landmark film, this one is a landfill film. You might think “well, surely everyone went on to do better things.” Well, let me just say that the director, Joseph Sargent, went on to direct Jaws: The Revenge. Yes, folks, he’s the Uwe Boll of the 1980s, only without the conviction or willingness to beat up his critics.

Some trivia: IMDB claims that Emilio Estevez went through a two week training course to learn how to properly hold and fire a gun while fighting the vector-enemies released from the game. Let’s think about that for a minute: an actor trying to play a normal, ordinary video gaming teenager went through firearms training. Sure, method acting is one thing, but that’d be like Adam Sandler going through training at the water treatment as research for his role in The Waterboy. It’s a bit overkill to learn a skill that your character shouldn’t have. That two weeks would have been better spent in acting lessons. Also, the “awesome” computer graphics nearly bankrupted production of the entire movie, further proof that the film was made for TV…and the budget was $106.43. So why was the film distributed as a theatrical film rather than television? “Too scary for television.” HA!

So yeah, it’s understandable why there was no official game tie-in to coincide with this movie. It would be a bit hypocritical, considering the whole point of this was to abstain from the deadly video game habit. Besides, who wants to play a game that literally kills you once you reach a certain level?

Gamer Culture Exposed

So, what does a film designed to show the dangers of the video game habit reveal about gaming culture? Well, like Tron, it seems to perpetuate the stereotype that people come not to play games, but to watch people with questionable skill play games. J.J. claims he’s the arcade owner’s best customer, but I’m willing to bet that if he kicked his rat-tailed ass out more often, the rest of the kids would go back to spending their milk money on these machines. Ten kids with crappy gaming skills are more likely to spend more than one kid who can beat most games on one quarter. Also, J.J.’s fans actually pull a kid off of the Bishop of Battle, and J.J. recompenses him by letting the kid hold his jacket. If I were that kid, I’d have hightailed it out of there and have myself a free jacket.

This film also shows that gamers like to talk to their games. Now, this has always perplexed me. I’ve never found myself in the middle of playing a game and suddenly desiring to have a conversation with the game itself. Granted, I would throw out a couple of choice “goddamits” “shits” and “FUCK YOU YA FUCKED UP FUCKING GAME!”, but that was more of a pronouncement to all within earshot, not directed to the game itself as if I were expecting a response. But no, J.J. feels compelled to taunt the Bishop of Battle, obviously under the impression that just because the damn game can talk, it has the power of communication.

Finally, and perhaps the most erroneous slight against all gamers, the film seems to think that we’re all just anti-social pricks who shun friends, family, and good grades aside in order to beat a game…hmmm…well, maybe that one’s not too far off. Just about any gamer can agree that the fight between J.J. and his folks didn’t hit a little close to home. I’d also like to say that it was wrong in thinking that we’d commit felony acts for gaming…but considering the recent acts involving Playstation 3 and Grand Theft Auto IV, I’m starting to think that the film is a bit prophetic. In all seriousness, because the film was designed as a warning that all gamers will become like J.J. and in reality only a very small percentage do (not captured and integrated into games, though I imagine that statistic is low as well), I won’t hold the movie up as anything more than coincidental.

Oh, and there are only two types of arcades: the clean mall variety, and the seedy gang hang out where much game hustling goes on. Because, y’know, game hustling is the best kids can do until they graduate to pool hustling and card hustling.

Availability

Alright, despite my earlier claims, this tripe actually had a DVD release. However, not only is it out of print and not worth tracking down at any price (though for you Betamax fans out there, it is available on Amazon for $2.99), you can watch the Bishop of Battle segments for free on YouTube. Obviously, if there are any copyright holders to this flick, they’re not even bothering to contest it.

Formula

click on image for details

This week I have something a little different for you guys. It's a little shorter, but justifiably so. This is a flash game that I found while searching around the other day. I've sent it to a few people and they all agree that it is pretty fun and funny. I can't really give you much information about the game other than some of the English blurb you can read before you start the game. Basically the main character, Reiko, loses her husband the day after they are married and is made fun of by everyone in the house. She issues a challenge to everyone in the house and "the elegant art of feminine conflict" ensues. What is this elegant conflict you asK? It's a slap fight, let me rephrase, it's a bitch slap fight. The story really doesn't matter, it's the slapping that makes it good.

So in the game you stand toe to toe with your opponent and use your mouse to slap the hell out of them. You also use your mouse to try to dodge and counterattack your enemy. It is a turn based game with a timer bar telling you when your turn is up. The game play is great fun and can get pretty hectic. My one true issue with the game is that you only get one life bar. After you lose all your life, you die. No continues, just Game Over. Once you get the hang of it, it isn't that bad. The womens show damage throughout the game as well.

All in all, this is a good waste of a few minutes. Not to mention it's free. I won't tell you anything about the end or story in between. Just head over to the link below and indulge in the elegant art of feminine bitch slapping. I give the game 4 fat housekeepers getting their faces bitch slapped.

Play it here

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

VOTE AT PODCAST ALLEY!

On this episode of the Best Damn Podcast Ever, we have the return of BATTLE. The guys talk about Gaki-Gate, pornstar as "special producer", E3 press conferences and how they all sucked except some things at the Microsoft keynote. All this and much, much more on this episode of BDPE.

Battle: Do we have a new winner or did he fail miserably? Listen and find out. Then go HERE to see the results.

Releases: Soul Caliber IV (360, PS3), Legend: Hand of God (PC), Spectral Force 3 (360), Romance of the 3 Kingdoms XI (PC), Summer Athletics (360, PS3, Wii), SNK Arcade Classics (Wii), Geometry Wars Retro Evolved 2 (XBLA), Deadliest Catch: Alaskan Storm (PC)

Judgement: Gamefly (With semi-judgements of Bully and Alone in the Dark), Fic Achievement Whore 2000 (Avatar: The Last Airbender, Eragon, The Simpsons Game, Yaris, Aegis Wing), Jetblue, "Hanging from, and shimmying along shit..."

Jank: Gamyfly deals (Mass Effect, Ass. Creed, Devil May Cry 4, The Club, etc.)

Feedback: Tons of bad voicemails and even worse emails

Stump: Grow Game, Nerf Arena Blast (Much discussion ensues about Nerf guns. Say what you will, but THIS is the best Nerf MOD ever),

Quote: "...just because the man dips his wick, doesn't mean he's not entitled to his cash monies..."

Get over to the forums (except the hosts) to help work on the Episode 50 gift.

Thanks Zappbrannigan for doing the album art.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

VOTE AT PODCAST ALLEY!