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The forum recently decided to play a round of "add to the picture" and before you can interject something about what a horrible, horrible idea that is, I give you the results, presented to us on our doorstep not unlike a cat offering a dead rodent after a night of stalking the city streets:

Just so you know, yes. That is a cock. And yes. The cock was a two person effort. One person added the shaft and balls, while the second had to go back in and add the vein and projectile ejaculate.

Forum monglers MarkG and coreyjd have crunched the numbers and have come up with HARD CORE DATA. Click for big:

You cannot argue with mathematics!

In response to this, forum mongler Beadle offered to show all of us his schlong. Will the monglers take him up on his offer? Only time will tell.

Reader Judgment by Cheesegod!

Animal Crossing: City Folk (AKA the second reason to own a Wii after SSB:B) is the third game in the series. For those of you that haven't played an Animal Crossing game, it's basically Nintendo's answer to the Sims. You play as a dude who moves into a town full of animals. You immediately become the slave of a greedy raccoon who forces a house upon you and encourages you to do menial tasks to pay it off. Fishing, catching bugs, collecting seashells, gathering fruit and doing favors for neighbors are all ways to earn extra cash to use to buy your way out of your hellish existence of indentured servitude. You can also buy furniture to decorate your house with and purchase new clothing and accessories to make yourself look as gay as humanly possible.

Theres a few new things in this iteration. Firstly, there is now a city you can travel to. The city doesn't really add much to the game. A few familiar faces from the old game pop up there instead of showing up in your town, like Crazy Redd and Katrina. Theres also a high end furniture store, an auction house, a theater and the HRA headquarters all of which are kinda boring. The best part of the city is the skunk sitting on the stoop that shines shoes and has a cockney accent. I don't know why but I find him funny as hell. Overall though, the game could have done without the city. I don't find myself going there often.

This is the first console version with online play which is hella fun. You can visit the towns of anyone on your friends list when they open their gates. Once their you can go talk to all their animals, trade furniture, collect foreign fruits that don't grow in your town, mail the residents of their town death threats, cut down all their trees and write obscenities on their town's message board. As with any online enabled Nintendo game there is a retarded friend code system. Its a pain in the ass but worth it in the end for the aforementioned reasons.

Finally, theres WiiSpeak which is a microphone you hook up to your Wii and it lets you talk to other players by shouting at your TV. I didn't get the WiiSpeak bundle with my game but i've played with people that had it and it seems stupid. Its too sensitive and I can hear all the sound effects from their game come out of my speakers. And most people that had it just ended up typing to me anyway. If you end up getting the game, skip the WiiSpeak bundle unless you're positive people are gonna want to hear your sweaty nerd ass talk about Linux while catching pretend fish.

Overall, I think the game is great. Its a really relaxed game where you can go at your own pace and do whatever you feel like. Not too much as changed from the Gamecube version but I see that as a good thing. If you're a fan of the series or looking for a reason to dust off your Wii, Animal Crossing: City Folk is a good choice.

Judgement: Thumbs up

Pros:
- Relaxing gameplay
- Fun online play
- A crapload of stuff to collect

Cons:
- New features are on the boring side
- Friend codes
- Not on Xbox 360, so no achievements

Oh, I forgot the best part! Teaching your town's residents funny phrases:

This time on The Best Damn Podcast Ever we get down and dirty with an update to Redline, Garriott comes down from his high (He had to be high to spend $30 million to go to space), THQ picks up the "Fiddy-Cent" game, Soulja Boy tells 'em about Braid (WHOOOOOP!!!), Quick rundown of the DSi, Halo 3: Recon, the new Xbox Experience, Diablo 3, Little Big Planet, Gametap's failure, Burnout Paradise WITH BIKES!!! Also, Miller's fun time at the gun range and Fic banned from Halo 3. All this and more...

Releases: Fallout 3 (360, PS3, PC), Motorstorm: Pacific Rift (PS3), Little Big Tape (Little Big Planet for those not using Miller-speak), Guitar Hero: World Tour (360, PS3, Wii), Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3 (360, PS3, PC), Moto GP '08 (360, PS3, PC), Penny Arcade Adventures Episode 2 (XBLA)

Judgement: Fic's Gamerscore Masocism Fiesta 2000 continues with Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End; Blake's mini-judgements for Dead Space and he makes mention of Saint's Row 2's collectors edition extras; Miller's review bonanza for PS3 (He only uses it for Blu-Ray), Wii Golf, Metal Gear Solid 4, Ratchet and Clank: Future (As we all know and have known, Miller hates games. Nothing to see here, move along.)

Jank:Portal: Still Alive (XBLA), GTA: San Andreas (XBLA), Duke Nukem 3D (XBLA)

Feedback: A few voicemails (Including a special someone) and a TON of crappy emails

Stump: Five Days a Stranger, Cadaver, Powerstone (Again)

Battle returns...2 contestants, both of which turn out to be worthless bitches.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

So, the review that caused a stir by a few in the forums. THIS is Gears of War 2. Now, I know the guys will talk about this game on the show, but I wanted to do a review on an actual game for a change and get away from Flash games. Let me start off by saying, I was a fan of the first game. Sure, the story was lacking and it became quite repetitive, but I liked it. Now, on to the second one. What can I say; the game is great.

The story is actually a part of the game this time. Joshua Ortega did a great job taking a really piss poor back-story from the first one and crafting quite the compelling narrative. Many of the loose ends from the first are tied up quite nicely and we have some form of closure. There are still a few plot holes, but they are necessary for reasons you can ascertain from completing the game. In a time when most shooters just rely solely on their namesake, this one stands out to me for some reason. Some may complain, but this is a thousand times better than Halo 3's story.

Graphically, the game has been punched up quite a bit. There is more than just brown on brown (They added a tan color to some things this time). Seriously though, the outdoor forest areas are very impressive, with a good amount of destructible trees to take down. The cityscapes are some of the best I've seen. There is also a wide variety of areas now as well. As I said before, there are outdoor forest areas, the usual burned out cities, but there are also snow capped mountain tops and you even go in to "the belly of the beast". Literally. All in all, much improvement was made to give a more diverse playing field this time around.

Game play has been tweaked as well. A ton of new kill animations (besides the fan favorite curb stomp) have been added, my favorite of which is the sniper rifle kill. The weapons are all still fairly balanced during single player and have received quite a few tweaks in the multiplayer as well (Which I'll go into in a bit). There is a good variety of different game play sections in the game. I won't ruin any of them, but suffice to say there is more to driving than just tanks in this one.

The new multiplayer is one of the real stars of the show here. While most of the old game types just got tweaks that make them VERY fun, the standout in the multiplayer is the new Horde Mode. You and up to 5 of your buddies are set in the map of your choosing and have to defend against 50 waves of enemies with ever-increasing difficulty. Now I played a game with one other friend...the @$$hole goes running for ammo and dies at the very beginning of the match, leaving me to fend off the entire Locust horde on my own. There were some very tense moments in my stand against about 20 to 30 enemies. Keep in mind they have very good AI and pinned me in a room with no ammo. It's moments like these that make me want to keep playing again and again.

All in all, this game is great. If you weren't a fan of the first, give this one a rent and see what you think. If you were a fan of the first and don't have this one yet...WTF ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!? Go get this heat now. After much deliberation and thought, I decided to not give out a rating for this one. Why you ask? Well, I turn it back around on you...Why should I? Instead I just give you a pic of a chainsaw battle, because chainsaws are awesome.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

This week, we have an interview conducted by Kalex. He would not reveal how he got the interview, but rumor is that he used his updated forum pic in the negotiations.

For all you people hiding under the rock that is mainstream games, and haven't bothered to stick your head into the bottomless cesspool that is shareware, you may not have heard of Wolfire Software.

Wolfire was started by mad scientist and future prophet David Rosen. It started with David as an innocent young lad, entering into the iDev games contest. The first entrance made by David was in 2001 with GLFighters. Inspired by games like Marshmellow Duel, GLFighters featured two players in a variety of mazes trying to murder each other with a variety weapons: swords, lightsabers, laser guns, and a large collection of automatic weapons that would put the NRA to shame. While fun, it usually devolved into matches between siblings killing each other and tea-bagging their brother's corpse before they could respawn.

A year later, David submitted another freeware game by the name of Black Shades. In this you played a psychic bodyguard with the ability to slow down time and have an out-of-body experience, which the game Prey later ripped off. The point of Black Shades was to protect a VIP from armed assassins for a certain amount of time. The player would, at the last second shoot, him in the kneecaps, and laugh satanically as the pansy man in a white suit crumpled to the ground.

The last Wolfire game to be submitted to iDev was Lightning's Shadow in 2003. Lightning's Shadow was a Worms-style game in which you played a crazed monk out to kill other crazed monks in a contest to see who was the most mentally disturbed. Of course, the monks were all magic users, so to kill each other you had a few spells that fell into three categorys: ZAP, BURN, or FREEZE. Each round was only over when all but one of the monks had been suitably roasted, toasted, flayed, blown up, electrocuted, or heavily lobotomized due to chronic frostbite.

All of these games got critical acclaim in their respective years, so of course all the fame and fortune went to the creators head. The next project was a shareware game named Lugaru (pronounced Loo-GAR-oo), a freeform hand-to-hand combat game in which you played a bipedal bunny rabbit named Turner with superhuman martial arts skill and a surprisingly low IQ to match. After being tricked into leaving his village, Turner returns to find his friends and family slaughtered by the local raiders. So with nothing better to do, Turner swears vengeance on those who did this and sets out to find the raiders and brutally murder them in their dreamless sleep. Turner logically takes the next step down this road and commits regicide on the rabbit monarchy in order to save the island of Lugaru, as well as having to kill off a bunch of wolves who want to dine on the delicious inhabitants of the island.

The game did well for a shareware game, especially in Mac communities that thought it was the best thing since EV Nova. Now, David Rosen has started the end of days. By rallying together a group of talented people, he now sets out to take on the world with his new game, the sequel to Lugaru which now has an official name: Overgrowth. You will again play Turner, and when asked how the sequel will be different, Jeff Rosen of Wolfire Software said "Lugaru was kindergarten, Overgrowth will be grad school." Interesting, but how much of the Lugaru style violence will we get? "Overgrowth puts the DIE in indie!" Which better mean I'll be able to kill enough people to fill a small country.

Recently I had the chance to sit down and talk with John Graham, COO and QA Grunt of Wolfire Software. While much of Overgrowth is still under wraps, I managed to get some answers out of him. I would like to thank John, and by extension Wolfire, who took time out of the day to be kidnapped and tortured in a grizzly fashion at Best Damn Podcast Ever HQ.

Best Damn Podcast Ever: So what made you think of the name Overgrowth?

John Graham the QA Grunt: Phillip (Isola, Programmer) came up with the name Overgrowth I believe, while we were having trouble figuring out a name

BDPE: Really? Well tell Phillip to ask for a raise.

John: (Laughs) We discussed names for a while when we weren't busy working. We feel that it's at least a triple entendre but won't say why yet

BDPE: Is Turner's hair going to grow in real-time? When it grows long enough you get the Overgrowth bonus, complete with dandruff?

John: That's an interesting idea, I'll forward that to David and see what he thinks about it, I'm not sure Overgrowth will have hair care technology but we will have some kind of fur shader

BDPE: From what I've seen of the technology you guys are putting into this, so far I'm impressed.

John: We think we're doing a lot of things that other companies might not think of, all our developers are good at coming up with new ideas. We've noticed mainstream games tend to recycle the same old features a lot, it's part of their business model, but us indie guys can take some risks.

BDPE: What are your feelings though if Wolfire ever gets big? If Overgrowth turns into a breakout hit instead of a cult classic, what will happen?

John: Oh gosh, that's pretty far down the road. If we have the good fortune to be able to expand we want to do it slowly and carefully. The last thing we want is for wolfire [sic] to turn into another gamedev beaurocracy [sic].

BDPE: Final question. What are your words to people who think you should 'Get a real job'?

John: Two parts I guess. If you mean that start-ups aren't real jobs: It's surprisingly hard to work for yourself. Building a company out an amorphous blob of an idea is a very daunting task. However, I think Wolfire fortunately has great focus and an extremely experienced team. So we're optimistic and we're working harder than we did when we had "real jobs".

If you mean making video games isn't a real job: We think that video games are the up and coming entertainment industry. Technology is always improving and along with it so will the experience that can be created by game developers. I think in the long run the video game industry will be the major entertainment industry.

BDPE: Thank you for sitting down with us to answer our questions.

John: No problem, have a good one.

BDPE: You too.

Wolfire is now accepting pre-orders for Overgrowth, which allows for early beta-testing to the game, and a super-secret Bat Cave forum to discuss Overgrowth. So head over to their site at http://www.wolfire.com to pre-order or keep up with their blog, which they update often about graphics plateaus.

In closing, keep the wise words of Jeff in mind:

"Give us money," Wolfire, LLC

Alright, back again with another irreverant review. This week we have another Flash game that I just could not pass up doing a review on. It will be a REALLY short review and you will see why if you play "Don't Shoot the Puppy". I believe this one may even tax the gaming skills of The Great Ficarratto.

Graphically the game is fairly simple. The hand drawn look works for this game. There are quite a few different elements that may catch you by surprise as well. When the puppy is "taken care of", you will probably not be moved to tears. However, if you figure out the secret of the game, it will drive you NUTS!!!

Gameplay is fairly simple. Screw that, it is THE MOST SIMPLE GAME YOU WILL EVER PLAY. I won't ruin the secret to "playing" the game but if you aren't a patient person, you will hate the game. I also ask that NO ONE ruin the "gameplay".

Overall, this is just a waste of time for sure, but it was just too funny for me not to put up a review. The graphics fit the type of game it is. The gameplay is simple once you figure it out and can drive you insane if you let it. Again, don't ruin the game for others by telling people how to play it. Just laugh at the people that can't figure it out. As for a rating...How can a game about shooting puppies get a rating? Easy, you put it at 3 dogs that EVERYONE wanted to shoot back in the day but never could. Just imagine the dog on screen as this little bastard.....

PLAY IT HERE!!!

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

Back in the saddle again, Buck, Fic, Miller, and guest host of few words Ryan Meier talk about swindling money, killing animals (Keep in mind, BDPE does not condone this action....for the most part, maybe), the Gears 2 media blitz, Nerf guns, Dyack's douche comments and lawsuit against Epic. Also, Burnout's release on PSN and digital distribution. All this and more, so listen up and quit bitching about no shows.

Releases: Ratchet and Clank: Quest for Booty (PS3), Too Human (360), Galaga Legions (XBLA), Tank Universal: Challenger Eight (PC)

Judgement: XBLA Summer Blowout: Geometry Wars 2, Braid, Bionic Commando: Rearmed, Galaga Legions, Castle Crashers

Jank: The Club (360/PS3) and Blake Buck's Tony Hawk Tower (Multiple Systems)

Feedback: Same as always, bad voicemails and emails.

Stump: Demon Rush, Return of the Phantom, Epic Pinball

Quote: "I dunno Little Timmy, you did rape a squirrel last week...."

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

Alright guys, seeing as no one will help me out of what I have surmised as a damned bathroom. (Thanks for the internet access MattK, what a nice guy. Now get me the hell out of here!!!) By the way, I hope everyone had a chance to read the latest Lights! Camera! Press Start! Good articles all around.

So what do I have on tap this week? This will be a review of a the first game in a series and a brief rundown of the rest of the games. I actually started this article before I even knew the first game was coming to the Virtual Console, but now that it has been released this review is even more fitting. The games in question? The Cho Aniki series. (Sometimes you will see it spelled as "Choaniki" or "Chouaniki") The series consists of 6 games that span from the PC Engine Super CD all the way to the Playstation 2 (And now being re-released on the Wii Virtual Console)

The first in the series (Which is the only one I had a chance to play), Cho ANiki, was released in 1992 on the PC Engine Super CD by Masaya. It is a side scrolling shooter in which you play as either Idaten or Benten. with the aid of the now iconic Samson and Andon you fly around the screen shooting all types of approaching enemies. The plot invovled the characters shooting their way through various locations to stop Bo Emperor Bill from repleneshing his supply of protein by establishing protein factories....You know what, who cares. The games have all quickly become known as "the gay Japanese game". (Not that there's anything wrong with that) And yes, I'll agree the game can certainly be seen in that light, it is hella fun to play. The first game in the series is not as far out there as the sequels, but it is still pretty out there. The art style, while odd, is pretty good for the time consisting of hand drawn everything. Koji Hayama does an extremely great job with the music as well.

In 1995 Masaya released Ai Cho Aniki for the PC Engine. In the sequel you took control of Samson and Adon to stop Bo Emperor Conshyasu from raising the Neo Builder Army to fight Idaten and Benten. However, they original protagonists fall in love and elope (Benten was a woman)....You know again, story doesn't matter. The game was similar to the first.

Also in 1995 Masaya released Cho Aniki Bakuretsu Ranto Hen for the Super Famicom. This was the last game of the series developed by Masaya and it was a fighting game.

Again in 1995 another game in the series was released, this time for the Sony Playstation and the Sega Saturn entitled Cho Aniki: Kyukyoku Muteki Ginga Saikyo Otoko. This game is often looked upon as the worst playing game in the series because of difficulty and play mechanics.

In 2000 a new game in the series was released for the Wonderswan by Bandai. This one called Cho Aniki: Otoko no Tamafuda. This was an RPG that played the battles out as a card game. No clue why the change was made.

In 2003 Global A Entertainment released Cho Aniki: Seinaru Protein Densetsu for the Playstation 2. This one has Samson and Adon floating around a glob of "protein". By this time I think the developers were throwing around the protein bit for nothing more than shits and giggles so people would call the series even more gay. (Again, not that there's anything wrong with that)

So, this one ran a little long but all in all the series is really weird. Good graphics, great music, and some of the least subtle imagery in the gaming industry. I feel for a rating on this series, I will have to be really careful not to tread too far in to the realm of the games. So, I give the series 3 pairs of dudes flexing out of 5. (You didn't really think I'd go with something protein related did you?)

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

VOTE AT PODCAST ALLEY!

By Reclusive Writer Matt K, who has Spawn chained up in a bathroom with a dull hacksaw.

(Someone please help me, I can't get out....Anyone?? HELLO!!!!)

The Last Starfighter(1984)

Cast
Lance Guest
Robert Preston
Catherine Mary Stewart
Norman Snow
Dan O'Herlihy

Director
Nick Castle

So how to describe this story...the briefest would be to say Star Wars minus the Jedi stuff set in the here and now. Okay, so a bit more elaboration: Alex Rogan (Lance Guest), a trailer park handyman, yearns to escape the mundanity of his life. However, instead of studying for college loans and scholarships, he prefers to spend his free time playing Starfighter, an arcade game too good for where its at. However, despite the universal credo of parents everywhere, Alex's video game playing does do him good, as the breaking of the high score automatically drafts Alex into the Rylan Starfighter Corps, where he is tasked with fighting the Rylans battle for them against the Ko-Dan Armada, led by Xur (Snow), a Rylan traitor. At first, Alex refuses, obviously needing to get back to the oppressive lifestyle he'd been bitching about all through the movie. Luckily, after the other Starfighters are destroyed in a sneak attack, Alex pulls his head out of his ass and goes back to defeat the Ko-Dan through button-mashing and the severe ineptitude of the enemy. Alex is given a heroes welcome to from both the Rylans and the trailer park, where he goes to pick up his girlfriend (Stewart) since he needs to rebuild the Starfighter Corps and no one there probably matches him anatomically for some heroic fucking. And thus the saga of the Last Starfighter begins!...and ends.

This film plays out like lame Mary Sue Star Wars fan fiction altered to avoid copyright infringement (and would go unrivaled until the release of Eragon). What no one bothered to tell the writers is that the Star Wars Trilogy had ended the year before, the bad rip-offs had already come and gone, and no one really wanted to see more of the same repackaged with 80's CGI. And while the Star Wars Trilogy contained many incredibly memorable characters, most of the characters here are pretty much forgettable. Perhaps the best character is Centauri (Preston, his final role), the creator of the arcade game Alex plays. The aliens, aside from a few of the Starfighters, come off as Battlestar Galactica rejects. The Rylans are the worst example, being nothing more than balding white people who chew scenery like it were made of Laffy Taffy (and Xur is the worst of them), and considering they are not only responsible for the shit hitting the fan but also for creating the Starfighters, one has to wonder why they are opting to stay off the front lines. Grig(O'Herlihy), Alex's co-pilot, is a poor man's Chewbacca, and you'll be begging to hear the fuzzball's grunts and growls instead of this guy's old man wheeze-laughs. As for the trailer park residents, they're just there to show how much Alex wishes to leave the shit hole, and the prime example I'll describe at the end of this section. Once Alex goes into space, you'll forget these guys until the story deems it necessary how much Alex's Beta Unit (Guest, unsurprisingly) is fucking up what little social life he had.

Speaking of 80's CGI, all the space ships and space sequences are fully created with the future animation staple (with the minor but incredibly noticeable exception of every explosion). While impressive for its time, it's really no more than a quaint experiment and a means of saving money. Return of the Jedi utilized no CGI for its space battles, and quite honestly they still look good today, and that was a year before this film. Still, for CGI before Terminator 2, it is great, perhaps second behind Tron.

As a final note, I would like to say how personally horrifying Alex's shithead little brother (Christ Herbert) is. We first see this kid as he pretty much ignores his mother;s protests that he not shoot at their neighbors with a pellet gun, making Bamm Margera look downright polite and considerate in comparison. Later, we see that he has an extensive collection of Playboy magazines, as if he has a subscription, and considering the little shit hasn't even dropped his pair, let alone know what to do with it, this just comes off as stupid rather than humorous. At the end, he's at the arcade machine to practice for his chance to become part of his older brother's Starfighter Corps. I'd have signed the kid up immediately, hoping the little fucker crashes into the first meteor he passes.

Gamer Culture Exposed

One would suspect that the video game industry secretly funded this film, banking that all the kids coming out of the theater would begin pumping quarters into Space Invaders in hopes that all the time and money they've previously committed to what was, so far, just a quaint hobby. Sure, we've all joked about it, but none of us came out of two-hour sessions of Street Fighter II knowing kung-fu.

And let's be honest, college loans are not refused because you come from a shit hole trailer park. They are competitive and accomplishment-based, and poor Alex just doesn't want to admit that he probably put just a little too much time wishing and pumping quarters instead of...you know...STUDYING. Sure, Alex got lucky this time, but are we all to put hope that we'll be recruited into some video game related force or league that will serve as our career? How many girls do you know immediately dropped what they were doing to become hookers after seeing Pretty Woman?

Once again, we get ANOTHER scene where everyone watches the main character play a game. What elevates this to a more ludicrous degree is Alex's boss calling all trailer park residents from whatever mundane task they were doing to watch. What's worse, the fact that no one has nothing better to do or that Alex considers this the highlight of his life?

It's odd that the moviemakers didn't seek to create a game tie-in for this movie, although they do allude to one in the credits. Perhaps they were afraid our warped, fragile minds would feel they were being recruited into the Rylan Star League? Paranoid? Not so fast! Seems that someone, perhaps in the army, recently saw this and developed America's Army with the sole purpose of opening a gamer's eyes to the opportunities of utilizing their 1337 shooting skills in a real world setting. With this in mind, the film seems to become a 90 minute recruitment message for the military. "Hey guy, not good enough to get into college? Come join the Starfighter League!" Hey, scoff all you want, but just make sure you read the fine print during the demo mode of the next game you play, or you may find yourself digging a foxhole in some morally-ambiguous war...excuse me, freedom force.

Availability

This isn't too hard to find on DVD. Plenty of copies are available at perfectly affordable prices. It even made the jump to high definition last year when it was released on HD-DVD. Yep, 20 years later and the producers are STILL making dated, bone-headed decisions.

Pretty much nostalgia is what drives this film, so if you enjoyed it back in the 80s, you'll probably like it now (I obviously missed it). If you were born afterwards and saw Star Wars, you'll really only see this as a laugh. Still, nostalgia has brought about an off-broadway musical...for what that's worth.

Formula
click on image to enlarge

You kids and your new fangled game machines really irritate me some times. Sure, I have most of the next-gen consoles but I don't forget the classics. This new Bionic Commando Rearmed, while good,will never hold a candle to the original. Yes, I realize it is almost the same game but "almost" doesn't cut it. So today, let's do a little history of the game and a quick review.

In 1987 Capcom released an arcade version of the game. While good, this isn't the Bionic Commando we all know and love. It wasn't a huge success. so Capcom tweaked the formula and in 1988 they released our beloved classic on the NES. There was also a Gameboy version in 1992 that no one remembers, because honestly, it was on the Gameboy and it wasn't Tetris.

The story is fairly simple. The Badds (Nazz in the instructions and imperialist Nazis in the Japanese verstion), under the leadership of Generalissimo Killt, (or Weizmann in the Japanese version) devise a plan to build The Albatross to resurect Master-D (Hitler in the Japanese version) to lead them to domination of the world. The Federation decides to send in their special commando, Super Joe (Who is the lead character in the game Commando) to infiltrate the enemy. Well Joe is captured. So The Federation sends in Radd Spencer (The dude with the "bionic" arm) to save him. Maybe the story isn't so simple.

Graphically, the game was impressive for the time. The animations were good and the end scene is always a spectacal to behold. The music was great and anyone who has played the game can easily recognize the songs after only a few notes.

Gamplay consists of side scrolling action and top down sections if you encounter an enemy on the stage select screen. The side scrolling sections are the main portion of the game and really show off the bionic arm action. Radd has no jump, so you must traverse the levels using his bionic arm to swing and climb your way through the levels. There are a few different gun types, but you can make it all the way through the game using the standard gun. (Except for certain sections that require different gun types)

Overall this game is a classic. Yes, the Rearmed version is great but does it really hold a candle to the original? I literally connect up the NES specifically to play this game. If you have ONLY played the Rearmed version you are doing yourself a great disservice and should have your gamer status revoked. I usually go with a joke rating, but this one is no joke. I give it, 5 exploding Master-D heads.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

VOTE AT PODCAST ALLEY!

This week we are gonna jump in the proverbial "Way Back" machine and go, well, way back. All the way to the year 1958. The video games were NOT plentiful back in these days (From what I hear, there is no way in hell I was even thought of back then). Then, William Higinbotham decided that people were getting bored visiting the Brookhaven National Laborator and decided to give those bastards something to do. He created Tennis for Two. Now you youngsters may not have heard about this game; hell, no one had until the 70's or 80's.

Now the graphics on this one aren't up to par with today's standards, but hey, it was 1958. The game was basically a side view of a tennis court (Not top down like Pong) and had no "players" to speak of. Honestly, it is just a horizontal line, an oval shaped ball with a light trail, and a so-called "net" that is nothing more than a fat piece of vertical line.

Gameplay, you may ask (Okay, I'm sure you didn't ask but I'm gonna tell you), was controlled by transistor switches to control the fast and furios ball bouncing action. Nothing more to say really about the gameplay.

So, all in all we get one of the fore fathers of gaming that plays on an analog computer and had tons of resistors, transistors, etc to make 3 graphical items work together to form a cohesive game. Controls seem like they would be simple enough and I don't see how anyone could complain about the tried and true "hit ball over net" gameplay. For nostalgia and being one of the first video games ever, I give it two balls (No dirty minds people, they're tennis balls)

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

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This week I've got a good one for you guys. Let me start by saying this is one of the best games I've ever played. The version I played is for Windows, but I'm pretty sure if you look hard enough you can find a version that will work on whatever system you have. In a world where exclusivity is a big deal, this game has been multiplatform for a while and it has always done it right. The game has been around for a while, but I doubt it has ever gotten a proper review. The game you ask? SOLITAIRE!!! This ain't your daddy's card game, well, maybe it is but this version is DIGITAL. That's right, they have finally done it. They have made a version of the beloved card game for your personal computer (Hell, it's also on every other device out there. I've even seen it on a calculator and a wristwatch)!!!

The object of the game is to use all the cards in the deck to build up the four "suit stacks" in ascending order, beginning with the aces. Suit stacks are cards stacked in the four areas in the upper right corner of the screen in ascending order (For example, you can play a 2 of hearts on top of the Ace of hearts). Now this sounds easy, but the cards are all mixed up and you have to create what is known as "row stacks" to get the cards in the suit stacks. Row stacks are cards stacked in a descending order alternating between red and blacks (For example, you can play a 2 of hearts on top of a 3 of clubs). Now if you have an open section for a new row stack, you can only move a King to that row to start a new row stack. Hopefully you guys are still with me on this; I know it can be a bit confusing. There is one more bit of complexity to this game, so keep up. If you run out of moves in the row stack area, you can choose to draw cards from the deck, which is located in the upper left corner. Now can setup the options to draw either 3 cards or 1 card, this is a personal preference. Once you get started playing this one, you will get the hang of it.

The graphics on this game are top notch. All the card face graphics are amazing, the Queens, Kings, and Jacks all look so realistic. And the number cards have the best designs in the game. In the version I played, you can change the design on the back of each card as well (I went with clouds because it was a rainy day outside).

All in all, I can HIGHLY recommend this game to anyone. With the complex gameplay, the outstanding graphics, and the addictiveness it can have this is one of the best games I've played in at least the past 5 years. I give it 5 Queens.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

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First let me thank Clarice Starling, with the help of Hannibal Lecter, for saving me from the penis-tucking crazy man with lotion. That was not a fun trip to go on and I DO NOT recommend it to anyone. Damn you MattK.

Anyway, this week I have an odd little 3D puzzle game that I just happened to try the demo out on XBLA and wound up loving. It's called Roogoo. Yes, I know the name can be made to sound quite gross and honestly had the same thoughts myself at first, but let's move on from that shall we.

So the story goes like this, the planet Roo has been attacked by the Meemoo and you are tasked with saving the entire Roogoo race. You know what, the story in this case doesn't matter a whole helluva lot. Just know that there is some cutesy little creatures that need your help. And you help by playing a puzzle game.

The object of the game is to turn the platforms that have different shaped holes by using the right and left bumper buttons, matching the stacks of shapes that fall from the top of the screen to get them to the next platform. Sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!! This game gets unbelievably tough as you progress. The shapes come in waves at times and you will be trying to match up 2 and 3 sets of shapes. They also come faster and faster from the top and it begins to be a real pain. Not only that, there can be obstacles over the holes in the land sections. (Meemoo, flappers, etc) You can also speed up the falling shapes as they fall. Again, it all sounds simple in theory, but can be frustrating. No more frustrating than Geometry Wars 2, which I will not go into here. There are also a few multiplayer features which are pretty fun if you can find someone to play it with you. (It is Live compatible, but there are only a few people that play it)

The graphics are pretty standard puzzle game fair and nothing to write home about.

Overall, the game is fun, but if you get easily irritated by puzzle games, please stay away. I don't want to get death threats because you can't beat level 3-2 or something. Roogoo is available for XBLA and PC (Sorry Mac users). I had a tough time coming up with a rating system, but I finally thought up something. I give this one 3 sets of Meemoo playing chicken, with one referee. (3 1/2 stars if you will)

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

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By Reclusive Writer MattK, who has Spawn down in a pit and forcing it to rub lotion on its skin.

Bishop of Battle from Nightmares (1983)

Starring
Emilio Estevez

Director
Joseph Sargent

Teenager J.J. Cooney (played by twenty-something Emilio Estevez) plays the typical teenager: rocking a rat tail (hey, it IS the 80's after all), complaining about school, getting into fights with parents over school, hustling hair-netted latino gang members for money to play more video games. Yes, J.J. needs all the money he can to fuel his deadly habit: reaching level 13 in the Bishop of Battle. The Bishop of Battle, with a floating vector-head Bishop (bearing a familial resemblance to Andross’s vector head from Star Fox) that taunts the player in the typical 80’s robo voice, is J.J.’s obsession, as kids whisper in hushed tones that no one can reach the final 13th level, going so far as to believing that it doesn’t exist. Their heeds fall on J.J.’s deaf ears…well, perhaps his punk-blasting-head phoned ears. J.J. insists that he’s heard tell some “Kid From Jersey” has made it to the 13th level (I’m guessing his initials are KFJ), and he aims join this elite rank of video game warriors. J.J. will let nothing stop him: not his friends insisting on eating pizza (which he considers lame…”spending money on pizza? As if!”), not the manager of the arcade who kicks him out for something stupid like “closing time” despite J.J. self-proclamations of being his “best customer,” not his parents who ground him for bad grades, not even the warnings of his best friend Zock (no, that’s not a typo, the damn kid’s parents hate him enough to not even name him after the Lego Maniac!). After running out of the house, J.J. breaks back into the mall, powers up the Bishop of Battle, and, despite the mediocre skills he displays during the typical montage, manages to finally beat level 12, which prompts the machine to partake in epileptic fits and fall apart. J.J. thinks this is funny and isn’t all that concerned that he’s not only committed breaking and entering, but also destruction of property. The game soon wipes the smile from his face, zapping him with some kind of laser beam and sending out all kind of vector-enemies from the smoldering heap at him. J.J. proceeds to shoot at them with the gun that broke off from the machine (he shows surprise AFTER aiming and shooting…what the fuck was he expecting it to do?), but soon makes a hasty escape…only to be cut-off by the BISHOP OF BATTLE!...who seems to be a lot larger in the real world. Having dropped the gun before leaving (brilliant), J.J. has no recourse but to scream in horror as the Bishop approaches him. In the final act, Zock and J.J.’s parents, having searched everywhere but the most obvious location for J.J., head for the mall arcade, where the owner and all his customers (obviously not his best customers) discover that all the machines have been destroyed in some kind of strange firefight. Well, all except one. Zock walks over to the reformed Bishop of Battle game in time to see his best friend on the game screen, to be vectorfied and placed as the new game avatar…the Bishop of Battle taunting all comers.

You know Jack Thompson is waiting for the day that he can present this as evidence for why video games must be kept out of the hands of minors. After the success of Tron, moviemakers didn’t waste any time in jumping on this hot new trend of placing video games in just about any crap movie. While movies like WarGames and The Last Star Fighter do have merit…if nothing else for the sense of nostalgia, this piece of anti-game propaganda seemed to head in the other direction, using games more as a warning of its harmful effects on society. However, the film doesn’t seem to make clear which of the dangers is more poignant. Is it the “fact” video games lead to kids not wanting to spend money on pizza? Is it the poor school grades and rude behavior towards parents? Is it the tendency to commit vandalism and other dastardly acts? Or is it that too much video game playing leads to video games coming into the real world to do actual physical battle with the winners? I can’t imagine what type of programming would have to go towards the game to bring about that particular feature. Needless to say, any attempt at creating any sane, if misguided, social message against video gaming is lost towards the film’s horror “twist” that’s so ludicrous the Crypt Keeper would consider it beneath him. Even if you consider yourself a “bad video game movie connoisseur,” don’t feel bad that you’ve not heard of this before. The film's poster even says that this is one of those films "you've never heard of." That's pretty sad.

Perhaps the best thing about this film is the filmmakers didn’t waste their time by trying to stretch out the lame concept into a full length feature film and instead decided to limit it to a segment of a four-part horror anthology. Of course, that means you have to sludge through 3 other “not scary” tales, unless, of course, you decide to just fast-forward to the segment (do you really think this film would have a DVD release? See below). Other than that, there’s nothing good to say about it. The acting is over-the-top after-school special; the plot too, for that matter. The whole thing looks as if it was shot (poorly) for television but then given a theatrical release (it was). The vector graphics (oooooh) are incredibly dated, along with everything else in the film (like an arcade owner would only charge a single quarter for such a “hot game”). As a film, it’s barely worth the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment. If Tron was a landmark film, this one is a landfill film. You might think “well, surely everyone went on to do better things.” Well, let me just say that the director, Joseph Sargent, went on to direct Jaws: The Revenge. Yes, folks, he’s the Uwe Boll of the 1980s, only without the conviction or willingness to beat up his critics.

Some trivia: IMDB claims that Emilio Estevez went through a two week training course to learn how to properly hold and fire a gun while fighting the vector-enemies released from the game. Let’s think about that for a minute: an actor trying to play a normal, ordinary video gaming teenager went through firearms training. Sure, method acting is one thing, but that’d be like Adam Sandler going through training at the water treatment as research for his role in The Waterboy. It’s a bit overkill to learn a skill that your character shouldn’t have. That two weeks would have been better spent in acting lessons. Also, the “awesome” computer graphics nearly bankrupted production of the entire movie, further proof that the film was made for TV…and the budget was $106.43. So why was the film distributed as a theatrical film rather than television? “Too scary for television.” HA!

So yeah, it’s understandable why there was no official game tie-in to coincide with this movie. It would be a bit hypocritical, considering the whole point of this was to abstain from the deadly video game habit. Besides, who wants to play a game that literally kills you once you reach a certain level?

Gamer Culture Exposed

So, what does a film designed to show the dangers of the video game habit reveal about gaming culture? Well, like Tron, it seems to perpetuate the stereotype that people come not to play games, but to watch people with questionable skill play games. J.J. claims he’s the arcade owner’s best customer, but I’m willing to bet that if he kicked his rat-tailed ass out more often, the rest of the kids would go back to spending their milk money on these machines. Ten kids with crappy gaming skills are more likely to spend more than one kid who can beat most games on one quarter. Also, J.J.’s fans actually pull a kid off of the Bishop of Battle, and J.J. recompenses him by letting the kid hold his jacket. If I were that kid, I’d have hightailed it out of there and have myself a free jacket.

This film also shows that gamers like to talk to their games. Now, this has always perplexed me. I’ve never found myself in the middle of playing a game and suddenly desiring to have a conversation with the game itself. Granted, I would throw out a couple of choice “goddamits” “shits” and “FUCK YOU YA FUCKED UP FUCKING GAME!”, but that was more of a pronouncement to all within earshot, not directed to the game itself as if I were expecting a response. But no, J.J. feels compelled to taunt the Bishop of Battle, obviously under the impression that just because the damn game can talk, it has the power of communication.

Finally, and perhaps the most erroneous slight against all gamers, the film seems to think that we’re all just anti-social pricks who shun friends, family, and good grades aside in order to beat a game…hmmm…well, maybe that one’s not too far off. Just about any gamer can agree that the fight between J.J. and his folks didn’t hit a little close to home. I’d also like to say that it was wrong in thinking that we’d commit felony acts for gaming…but considering the recent acts involving Playstation 3 and Grand Theft Auto IV, I’m starting to think that the film is a bit prophetic. In all seriousness, because the film was designed as a warning that all gamers will become like J.J. and in reality only a very small percentage do (not captured and integrated into games, though I imagine that statistic is low as well), I won’t hold the movie up as anything more than coincidental.

Oh, and there are only two types of arcades: the clean mall variety, and the seedy gang hang out where much game hustling goes on. Because, y’know, game hustling is the best kids can do until they graduate to pool hustling and card hustling.

Availability

Alright, despite my earlier claims, this tripe actually had a DVD release. However, not only is it out of print and not worth tracking down at any price (though for you Betamax fans out there, it is available on Amazon for $2.99), you can watch the Bishop of Battle segments for free on YouTube. Obviously, if there are any copyright holders to this flick, they’re not even bothering to contest it.

Formula

click on image for details

This week I have something a little different for you guys. It's a little shorter, but justifiably so. This is a flash game that I found while searching around the other day. I've sent it to a few people and they all agree that it is pretty fun and funny. I can't really give you much information about the game other than some of the English blurb you can read before you start the game. Basically the main character, Reiko, loses her husband the day after they are married and is made fun of by everyone in the house. She issues a challenge to everyone in the house and "the elegant art of feminine conflict" ensues. What is this elegant conflict you asK? It's a slap fight, let me rephrase, it's a bitch slap fight. The story really doesn't matter, it's the slapping that makes it good.

So in the game you stand toe to toe with your opponent and use your mouse to slap the hell out of them. You also use your mouse to try to dodge and counterattack your enemy. It is a turn based game with a timer bar telling you when your turn is up. The game play is great fun and can get pretty hectic. My one true issue with the game is that you only get one life bar. After you lose all your life, you die. No continues, just Game Over. Once you get the hang of it, it isn't that bad. The womens show damage throughout the game as well.

All in all, this is a good waste of a few minutes. Not to mention it's free. I won't tell you anything about the end or story in between. Just head over to the link below and indulge in the elegant art of feminine bitch slapping. I give the game 4 fat housekeepers getting their faces bitch slapped.

Play it here

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

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On this episode of the Best Damn Podcast Ever, we have the return of BATTLE. The guys talk about Gaki-Gate, pornstar as "special producer", E3 press conferences and how they all sucked except some things at the Microsoft keynote. All this and much, much more on this episode of BDPE.

Battle: Do we have a new winner or did he fail miserably? Listen and find out. Then go HERE to see the results.

Releases: Soul Caliber IV (360, PS3), Legend: Hand of God (PC), Spectral Force 3 (360), Romance of the 3 Kingdoms XI (PC), Summer Athletics (360, PS3, Wii), SNK Arcade Classics (Wii), Geometry Wars Retro Evolved 2 (XBLA), Deadliest Catch: Alaskan Storm (PC)

Judgement: Gamefly (With semi-judgements of Bully and Alone in the Dark), Fic Achievement Whore 2000 (Avatar: The Last Airbender, Eragon, The Simpsons Game, Yaris, Aegis Wing), Jetblue, "Hanging from, and shimmying along shit..."

Jank: Gamyfly deals (Mass Effect, Ass. Creed, Devil May Cry 4, The Club, etc.)

Feedback: Tons of bad voicemails and even worse emails

Stump: Grow Game, Nerf Arena Blast (Much discussion ensues about Nerf guns. Say what you will, but THIS is the best Nerf MOD ever),

Quote: "...just because the man dips his wick, doesn't mean he's not entitled to his cash monies..."

Get over to the forums (except the hosts) to help work on the Episode 50 gift.

Thanks Zappbrannigan for doing the album art.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

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So, you've seen my frontpage updates for the shows and you may have even played online over Xbox Live with me. What you may not know is the extent to which I love games. In an ongoing series (Hopefully), I'll do quick reviews for the games that I'm playing latetly. Some may be old, some may be new, and some you may not even care about. You may ask, "Ummm, why?" Well it's simple, this is a way to get new content up and spur more discussions in the forums. First up, something I just got and at first I was sort of ashamed of picking up, Guitar Hero: Aerosmith.

Let me start off by saying I am not a huge Aerosmith fan, but I do have a love for their older music. I know some will compare this one Guitar Hero: Rocks the 80s and in most aspects you would be correct. The track list is short at only about 40 songs total (31 main songs + 9 unlockables). However, the songs are all pretty good. There are a few better choices that could have been added for the non-Aerosmith tracks, but overall it is a good track list. The tracks from Aerosmith are mostly their older songs and none of the orchestrated power ballads with Liv Tyler staring at her dad in a monitor.

Also, instead of just adding a headband and coloring the hair a little different, you get representations of Aerosmith. Keep in mind that these guys are as ugly as a baboon's ass to begin with, so their character models fit fairly well in that respect. They have also replaced the Grimm Ripper, God of Rock, and Lou with different unlockable characters. The Guitar Hero 3 venues have also been replaced with Aerosmith specific locations that represent different locales important to the band. After completing each set, you get a video of the actual band members talking about the upcoming venue. Pretty unnecessary, but neat that the band had that much input on the game.

The biggest thing about this game I like is the difficulty. Yes, I am decent at Guitar Hero games, but Guitar Hero 3 was REALLY hard. To me, a game should be challenging, but not go outside the "fun to play" range that GH3 strayed in to towards the last few sets. In GH:A the difficulty never gets to the point that I wanted to throw my plastic guitar through my $1000 TV. I'm about halfway through completing the game and have yet to get extremely frustrated. THAT is a good thing.

So there you go, that's my take. Sure there are comparisons abound to Rocks the 80s, but in my mind there are enough redeeming qualities to warrant at least a weekend rental or putting it in your Gamefly queue. With the decent songs, new venues, and a not so frustrating difficulty I give this one 3 sexy ass robots.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

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This time on the Best Damn Podcast Ever, the guys (Fic is still MIA) talk about PS3 updates, 60GB 360 with a 20GB price cut, possible Halo game with no Master Chief, Rock Band cymbals, no PS3 price cut, iphone games, blah blah, social networking, blah blah....Just listen to the show.

Releases: NCAA '09, City Life, Golden Horde, Deadliest Catch: Alaskan Storm, Wee Love Golf, B-Boy

Judgement: Unreal Tournament 3 (360)

Jank: WWE Smackdown Vs. Raw 2007 and This

Quote: "....I like how my d*ck bricks women. They don't turn on, they just sit there..."

Get over to the forums (except the hosts) to start work on the Episode 50 gift.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

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July 4 (not 24) marks the one year anniversary of the first construction and consumption of an OCTO-MAC.

I decree that all loyal BDPE listeners (and hosts) shall go to McDonald's on July 4 and order an OCTO-MAC, or, barring that, order four Big Macs and construct the OCTO-MAC manually. You shall then have pictures taken of yourself eating it. Post them in the forums or e-mail them to feedback@bestdamnpodcastever.com for your share of the glory.

LET IT BE KNOWN.

After a break, the guys (Minus Fic) are back. This time they talk about Guitar Hero 4 nonsense, MGS4 sales and the story telling skills of the Japanese, and BLAKE craps on Monster Hunger. Then the discussion moves to Itagaki leaving Tecmo in true Itagaki fashion in the inagural edition of "GAKI GATE". Puzo family sues Paramount for money over the crap (Despite what BLAKE says, the game is butt) Godfather game. They also discuss whether Spore will suck or not.

Releases: Battlefield: Bad Company, Alone in the Dark, Guitar Hero On Tour, Operation Darkness

Judgement: Devil May Cry 4

Jank: Gamestop's Game Day Sales, lots of games on sale

Quote: "....Oh, this one's got a little jiggle thing on it, put your finger in there and wiggle it around..."

And don't forget, that BLAKEBUCK hates us all....

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

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Since it's been so long since we've had a proper show, Miller and I (sorry, Fic is at WWDC) thought we should make up for it with not only a new show tomorrow afternoon, but a LIVE DRUNKCAZT tomorrow night.

The DRUNKCAZT will be tomorrow night (6-13) from 6-9PM central US time (though this could change - keep an eye on the posts below).

You can find all the information about listening live at http://www.bestdamnpodcastever.com/live

We'll also be fielding any questions or comments you guys have in the forums, so put your heat up.

THE SHOW WILL BE THIS FRIDAY, JULY FRIDAY THE 13th AT 6-9PM CENTRAL

Listen to the show as it's recorded Live! In addition, you can participate in our Live! chat by joining the room "bdpelive" (no quotes) on any AOL Instant Messenger program. Also, if you've got something to say, you can call in by dialing 845-BATTLE-9 on any phone, or contact our Skype name "bestdamnpodcastever" (no quotes).

Just click the "LISTEN LIVE!" button on the right to download the streaming file (lisen.pls), and double-click to open in iTunes (or other audio app) and listen in Live!

Let us know what you think, and get your heat in ASAP.

In a special interview with King Boll, Uwe talks with the guys about:

How he got in to making films, Being f*cked over by Atari, Boll bashing and beating the hell out of his critics, Michael Bay, His dream production, Metal Gear Solid the movie, Grand Theft Auto movie, Postal breaking down religious and political walls, Video game journalism, Video game movies other than his, His fears as a director, The anti-Boll petition, and Uwe Boll: The Game.

Quote: "...I'm always happy to find somebody that's thinks he's not the Antichrist or something..."

A very special thanks goes to Wazoo for getting this setup.

Go here for the Pro-Boll petition

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

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This is the BDPE Filler Show, designed to keep you semi-entertained during the long waits for actually good shows. The less-than-stellar hosts are Lucas (editor of the BDPE), Mic (BATTLE failure veteran), and Ryan (totally unconnected to the BDPE).

In this week's episode, we discuss whatever the hell we can think of to fill time. And I bet you it'll be the same in next week's episode.

Send us hate mail at filler@bestdamnpodcastever.com or call our listener line at oh wait we don't have one.

And don't let us change your minds about voting for the BDPE on Podcast Alley. The real show is actually good, don't worry.

This week on The Best Damn Podcast Ever: Big Daddy K is not happy about Metal Gear Solid 4 eating all dem CPUs, Charlie Daniels is pissed with Guitar Hero 3, Uwe Boll continues to ROCK FACE, and Blake is pissed that Myst Uru is shut down. The guys also (Sort of) announce the winner of the "Xbox Live Vision Cam Contest".

Releases: GTAIV (360, PS3), Mario Kart (Wii), Iron Man (Multi Platform), SNK Arcade Classics Vol. 1 (PSP, PS2), Great War Nations: The Spartans (PC)

Judgement: Orcs and Elves (DS) and Professor Layton and the Curious Village (DS)

Jank: "Still Alive" (Rock Band), Some Halo 3 Nonsense (360), and Lost: Via Domus

Quote: "...William Miller lube up your hand and beat them nerds off hard
'Cos hells broke loose in Georgia and BLAKE BUCK’s made of lard...."

If you have any feedback, you can shoot an email here, call the voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in the forums here.

VOTE AT PODCAST ALLEY!

"We've got two locations - one next to Huddle House and one next to Krystals. It's just butter!"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

VOTE FOR US AT PODCAST ALLEY! DBZ GOKU!

Is drying off after a shower taking too much time? Try Terry's new Teriffic Turbo Towel!

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

VOTE FOR US AT PODCAST ALLEY! DBZ GOKU!

You will learn.

Judgment: Super Smash Bros. Brawl (Wii)
Jank: Rez HD (XBLA) and Tax Free Tuesday (Star Package Liquor Store)
Quote: "It took me about 30 seconds to become an iPhone Douche."

GODKILLER: http://www.deproductive.com/godkiller

BLACK NERD COMEDY: http://www.blacknerdcomedy.com/

VOTE FOR US AT PODCAST ALLEY! DBZ GOKU!

Visit tbdpe.com for links to vote and donate.

Well, Super Smash Bros. Brawl is out, and I couldn't possibly recommend it more. It's got more characters than ever, 4 control schemes, level editor, and the same frantic gameplay the series has become known for.

While it doesn't reinvent the series in any way, in this host's humble opinion, that's a good thing. When something is awesome, don't change it. Just make it more awesome.

Also, in honor of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, I'm putting up links to Nintendo's other popular first party titles, as well as the Wii itself and its myriad of controllers. If you're looking to grab these, grab them through our Amazon links and help support the Best Damn Podcast Ever!

Bust out your nunchuks and your Wavebirds, because it's go time.

Note - You will need to disable any ad blocking software to view the buy now links below.

Justin Fic here.

As mentioned on Episode 37, the BDPE is now a member of the Amazon Affiliate Program. What this means is that we can put links to products on Amazon, and if you guys buy it through our link, Amazon kicks us a small cut. It's a great way to help support the podcast, especially if it's a game you guys were going to buy anyway! So let's get started.

I know on the podcast I said I'd use Advance Wars: Days of Ruin for the first Pick, but it needs to be bumped in favor of a game that has a much larger set of testicles: Contra 4.

How could I have a recurring column about awesome games and not kick it off with a Contra title? IT'S NOT POSSIBLE. Contra is the quintessential man's game: guns, explosions, aliens, and mind-blowing difficulty. Beating a Contra game demands perfection- anything less is met with failure. Contra 4 continues the time-honored tradition of dudes with no shirts blasting the ever-loving shit out of an endless supply of aliens, alien vehicles, and the iconic oversized-beating-alien-heart. This is a Contra game by Contra fans, for Contra fans. Every inch of it drips Contra. The levels, music, graphics, bosses, guns, every last inch is the good old Contra you know and love, taken to the next level.

Contra 4, however, also continues the tradition of taking lesser gamers, bending them over, and raping them so hard up their virgin asses that even members of their immediate family don't walk straight for a week. Which brings me to the most common complaint about Contra 4: people invariably say it's too difficult. I've had at least 3 people tell me they had to put the game down because they got killed in the first 10 seconds. And all I can say to that is: look. You don't play Contra 4 the way you play these other sissy games that pander to how much you suck. When you pick up Contra 4, you are declaring war, and you are expected to treat it with the seriousness that war demands. If the first enemy kills you enough times, eventually you learn to juke his bullets, and kill his ass. That, my friend, is what videogames are all about.

But I guess it's a fair warning- if you were too much of a pussy for Contra, Super C, or Contra 3: The Alien Wars, I can confidently say you're too much of a pussy to handle Contra 4. Don't fight it, it's a sad truth. Not everyone is man for it. If you're one of these people, I recommend not buying Contra 4, and instead, taking part in an activity that better suits you, like sucking your thumb, playing with dolls, or menstruating.

BUT, if you're up for the challenge, Contra 4 is your chance to prove to the world that you're a cut above the rest, one of the elite. You beat Contra 4, and gamers all around you will just assume you have an enormous schlong. You beat Contra 4 around the ladies, and the final explosion will blow their clothes clean off. Wives, sisters, daughters, and hot single moms will all flock to you, while their men will gladly and respectfully bow at your feet. And all will sing your name.

Note - You will need to disable any ad blocking software to view the buy now links below.

The next time you kids bitch about show notes, I'm going to take a DUKE in your mouths. Also this week, Final Fantasy 7 ported to the NES for the ultimate j-pop rpg crapfest, there's terrorists in my World of Warcraft base, killing my liberty, and Take Two says "NO DICE" to EA buyout.

Judgment: Ace Combat 6 (360) and Advance Wars: Days of Ruin (DS)
Jank: I swear it dosen't suck, Shadowrun (360)
Quote: "He's probably ******** this sentence coming out of my mouth right now"
Battle: http://web.mac.com/pyoungxyz

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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This week's show is a little different - we talk of the STATE OF BDPE. So warm up your fingers to fire off those whiney emails! We also break down a few of the week's top stories. While this a 'mini-show' of sorts, fear not, as we'll be back later this week with another full length show!

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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Welcome to Venustas - a cinematic experience like no other.

Rolling Stone Magazine calls it "A Masterpiece! Blake Buck delivers a tour de' force of cinematic excellence!"

Roger Ebert claims "I am now officially retired. I have played witness to the greatest film - nay - the greatest work of creative performance ever witnessed by humanity"

YouTube version available above, and a high-quality version available in the BDPE feed.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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We're back with a new show just in time for Christmas! This week we've got Jeff Gerstmann Lynched by Kane, Itagaki ALLEGEDLY cleared of rape charges, Blactivision formed, and the DUKE rides again.

Judgment: Rock Band (360 / PS3), Geometry Wars Galaxies (DS / Wii), Burnout Paradise Demo (360 / PS3), Contra 4 (DS).
Jank: Guitar Hero 3 and Toorock shirts
Quote: "Oh man, I forgot how much fun this is"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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What's this? An update to BDPE? And video power no less? My S.T.A.R.S!

The "director's cut" of the official trailer for Hordes of Orcs - a new Mac game published by Freeverse Software. Created by Blake Buck, this version has a slightly different ending that was deemed too intense by Freeverse Software.

To check out Hordes of Orcs, hop over to the official site at:

http://freeverse.com/games/game/?id=7019

Stay tuned, as we'll be posting a behind the scenes look at the making of this video soon!

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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By Staff Writer Matt K

Tron

Starring
Jeff Bridges
Bruce Boxleitner
David Warner
Cindy Morgan

Directed by
Steven Lisberger

Game Designer and Hacker Kevin Flynn (Bridges) is trying to gather evidence that his games were stolen by evil ENCOM CEO Ed Dillinger (Warner). His hack skills are so good, he uses game designs to try and hack into the Master Control Program (MCP), a Skynet-like supercomputer with eventual world domination plans, but is thwarted by his swiped game designs. Aided by his former co-workers, Alan Bradley (Boxleitner) and Lora (Morgan), he sneaks into ENCOM to continue his English-based hacking, only to be zapped into the mainframe by a laser-digitizing device controlled by the MCP (I dub this the CPUniverse). Within the CPUniverse, Flynn must use his superior ja alai, Frisbee, and light bike skills, along with a security program named Tron (conveniently resembling Bradley), to take down the MCP and his command program Sark and retrieve the evidence he’s been looking for.

By 1982, American video games had grown into a capable industry (even though it was on the verge of collapsing) and their relationship with movies thus far had been one-way, with average to crap games based on movies appearing on the consoles, most notably Atari 2600. Tron is the first movie to feature video games as critical to the plot. Obviously, at the time it was wise for Disney to create an original property rather than try to license and translate a game to the big screen. None of the games at the time were famous for their storylines, unless you count the games based on movies, and before you think “surely they wouldn’t recycle an IP licensed for another medium back into the original medium,” remember that there later was Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game! As well as telling an original story, creating a new IP allowed for the games viewed in the movie to be brought out as their own video game titles, complete with incredible hype from the fantastic visuals.

Tron is a landmark film as it’s the first major motion picture to incorporate extensive computer-generated images for the background of the computer world, the vehicle sequences, and the MCP. Backgrounds involving human actors were created using traditional methods of rotoscoping and backlighting. While some people may consider it gimmicky, it opened the floodgates for CGI research into major motion pictures. Also, the “gimmick” actually gives Tron an aesthetically pleasing look that reflects the decade in which it is set, though doesn’t completely shackle it to its date (outside of the CPUniverse, however, it’s 100% 1980’s and will never be mistaken otherwise).

While the technological setting hold up, the story fails a bit, mainly because outside the action elements, the film is quite boring. At its heart, Tron is nothing more than a fantasy epic with an evil overlord needing to be brought down by an outnumbered but incredibly capable rebel force, thus freeing the land for goodness. Tron even has to receive the ultimate weapon by the “users” before he can hope to defeat the “Evil Emperor” and his digital “Darth Vader.” Also, Flynn is brought to a fantastic world where people who resemble people in the real world was already done in The Wizard of OZ. The device used to transport our ordinary, modern-day protagonist to this fantasy realm is a technological replacement for Dorothy’s flying house. Even the MCP is a cybernetic wizard, albeit evil. Once Tron, Flynn, and Ram break through the confines of the light cycle arena, the film loses the adrenaline rush that it had. As a result, the story elements of the film are rehashed elements of better films, though integrating them into the frame of a computer universe is quite well done.

As with any film involving technology, certain elements are quite dated. Not the actual CPUniverse, that is still quite impressive, even more so when considering the machines available to the film programmers at the time. I’m talking about the archaic games and the notion that people love to come to arcades to watch one gamer conquer a game. In fact, when Flynn is playing Space Paranoids in front of a cheering crowd, he destroys two Paranoids, the second one being simply a repeat of the previous sequence, only much harder because it seems to take him more time to aim, a task supposedly deemed impossible by his adoring fans by the amount of cheers he receives for completing it. Add to the fact that he is the original designer of the game; it’s perplexing that anyone would find this such a great feat. It’d be like Shigeru Miyamoto finding the Warp Whistle in Super Mario Bros 3, stage 1-3, and expecting everyone to claim that he is the greatest gamer ever for discovering his own secret.

Also, the “hacking” elements are a bit confusing. Obviously, when marketing such a high-brow concept as hacking to a general audience, you have to eliminate the jargon and tediousness involved in actual hacking; what results is our first (and certainly not last) instance of the programming using plain English to perform complex hacking/programming tasks, fooling the general audience into believing that all it takes to become an accomplished hacker is a keyboard, monitor, and grasp of the English language. Thus, a time-consuming, trial-and-error process is as simple as ordering from a drive-thru.

Finally, when depicting what actually goes on within the CPUniverse when you type Hack Computer, the film depicts games being played. I’m not sure if this is part of the program that Flynn and the MCP have programmed into their hacking/security databases, or if we are to believe that whenever we run Norton Antivirus, our computers are playing a round of Missile Command against oncoming viruses. Also, are the arcade games hooked-up to the MCP via some undisclosed network connection and comprised of the programs hijacked by the MCP? Makes me wonder if every time I inserted a quarter into Street Fighter II, a hacked version of Quicken as Ryu is duking it out with the AIM logo as Sagat, and that if I used a powerful enough combo, I could break directly into Capcom’s database?

Still, the acting is good. It’s easy to tell Jeff Bridges’s Flynn, the actual human transported into the CPUniverse, from the rest of the programs, since they act in such a non-emotional manner. However, I question whether Tron and Sark were transported out of the CPUniverse and into the real world, since their human counterparts, Bradley and Dillinger, seem equally devoid of emotion. With Boxleitner’s thick glasses, you’d believe that he’s a computer nerd, though it’s much harder to grasp him hooking up with Morgan’s Lora. Also hard to grasp is Flynn, being an arcade owner and hacker, not being an unshaved lummox. But in all, the acting is on par with Star Wars, both being movies more concerned with the special effects than high-caliber acting.

Tron is an accomplished cult film that makes up for its average story with groundbreaking special effects. Several video games based on the light cycles, Frisbee, and Space Paranoids segments of the film were produced for arcades at the time, as well as video game sequels to the movie storyline in recent years. Fans of The Matrix will certainly see the inspiration from this film without the deep insight (or pompous philosophy of the sequels). It introduced CGI to an audience on the verge of accepting home computers into their homes, opening the floodgates to extensive and crappy CGI in many movies that should have known better. Also, those of us that were around when the film originally came out have a chance for some good, if rose-colored, nostalgia.. Most important to this article, Tron serves as a great introduction to video games as a major element into the film. Though it wasn’t a translation of an existing popular game into a film, it did allow video games to gain mass media attention. Gamers dreaming of their favorite games being translated directly to screen would have to wait about a decade for their dreams to be shattered.

Gamer Culture Exposed: This movie deals quite well with video gamers, not making them out to be anarchists (Flynn is in the right as his games were stolen by Dillinger) or unsociable slobs. However, I may have been too young for the trend where people come to an arcade to watch someone else make a high score. If anything, I'd have my quarter slapped up there to beat it, but these guys seem to have nothing better to do than watch someone play the games. Also, this was during the Golden Age of the Arcade when the home console market was crashing and games were far superior at the arcade than at home. This, of course, came to an end with the release of the Dreamcast version of Soul Calibur.

Availability: Tron enjoyed a revival during the dawn of the new millenium, especially with its spiritual successor The Matrix garnering attention and popularity. Various versions of the DVD are available in stores and on Amazon.

Formula: As mentioned above, Tron is not exactly original plot-wise, and we’ll see that no video game movies are. Therefore, I shall provide an easy-to-follow flow chart that will help you determine what kind of movie you’re getting, thus illuminating possible alternatives if you’re trying to find a similar flick without the video game trappings.

It's the Thanksgiving holidays! Which means we're being a bit slow at getting a new show recorded with all the holiday festivities. So to tide you over until the next show, I present you with the Jerrall.

Jerrall was the first film Blake Buck and William Miller shot together in the fall of 2003. This was back in our senior year of high-school at the Mississippi School of Mathematics and Science - an academically selective boarding school for gifted students. The film presents one legendary Calculus II teacher and his ensuing wrath on his students.

Though as crude as it perhaps looks now, Jerrall paved the way for future films; we also had a lot of fun premiering it in our Calculus II class as well. If you have any feedback for us, leave your thoughts in our forums here.

In the coming weeks we'll be posting the rest of Buck and Miller's Foursouth films, so stay tuned!

This week BDPE's got a very special guest! Andre Meadows, who some of you may know from his "Buy me a Wii" YouTube video, talks to us about his love of games, comedy, and his experiences as a black nerd.

Also this week, Jack Thompson announces himself keynote speaker at GDC, the ESRB says Manhunt 2's rating will stand despite it sucking really bad, and Guitar Hero 3 makes Activision enough money to license a good set list next time - oooh, burn!

Judgment: Guitar Hero 3 (360, PS3, Wii, PS2)
Jank: Lost Planet Collector's Edition
Quote: "I'm inviting him to MLK Day"

Check out Andre's website and videos over at:

www.blacknerdcomedy.com

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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By Staff Writer Matt K
Original Pic by Shawn B

I’m going to try and address a very controversial topic. Some people may find it inappropriate and offensive. Does that mean I should stop writing now? Well, how can you be offended if I don’t complete the article? Surely you’ll need the complete context of my writing and my intention for writing if you’re going to deem it offensive. Such is the case for Resident Evil 5. Sure, the series is no stranger to controversy, what with its explicit violence and gore. A new controversy came about during E3 2007, where a video depicted series mainstay Chris Redfield battling savage villagers. A blogger caught sight of this trailer and vented her offense, deeming the images in the trailer to be racist. Naturally, many people reacted in a rather knee-jerk fashion, spewing racial and sexist slurs towards the blogger, essentially validating the blogger’s opinion that video games can make people racist.

People like to abuse the anonymity of the Internet. Bloggers will pick any topic of interest and write about it, saying anything they want with a false sense of authority in a desire to be heard and validated. They take offense when people read their blogs and react against them, often with a similar sense of false authority. Each blogger and commentator thinks they are right and believe that they can convince others to affirm and conform to their views but will not seek to change their own views at any counter argument. By no means were the slanderous remarks about the blogger's race or gender called for. Such slander served no purpose but to support the blogger's claim. On the other hand, the blogger failed to approach the subject in a wise manner. With such claims as “Start them young… fearing, hating, and destroying black people,” she was inadvertently implying that video game players are racist. In reality, such a claim makes her racist, and a poor writer. She’s made broad generalizations about a game, and the gamers who will play it.

She mentions “the fact that this video game is marketed to children and young adults.” The Resident Evil series has never been marketed to children. All American releases since the very first game have garnered an ‘M’ rating due to violence and gore, and each game’s title sequence is preceded by the warning “This game contains scenes of explicit violence and gore.” Any parent who has blindly bought these games for their children have more problems to deal with than just racism. Parents are provided with sufficient warning of the explicit content in a game via the box warnings and the Internet. If a parent allows their child to play the game, it’s up to them to let them know that the entire game is fiction and that no racial influence is developed from the experience. If the parents are racist, then honestly the game is not going to make a difference one way or another because the child is already exposed to the racism. As for young adults or adults in general, it’s up to them to determine their own feelings and outlook on races, and this has most likely been cultivated long before they are exposed to other material. I looked at the trailer myself before hearing of this blog and I did not find myself overcome with the urge to grab a white hood and lynching ropes. Racial feelings did not rise up in me when I saw the enemies. I’m an adult and my feelings about people of different races are pretty much set, and those were from my real life interactions with them. Also, I’m mature enough to know that experiences with a finite number of people from a race do not necessarily dictate the entire race from acting in such a way. Resident Evil 5 or any other game does not determine that.

Another problem is that many of these accusations of racism are based on a trailer. The blogger herself says “The new Resident Evil 5 video game depicts a white man in what appears to be Africa killing black people.” First, it’s the trailer, not the game. You can’t declare an entire game, or for that matter its makers and fans of the game/series, racist if the entire context of the game has not been released. Such an assumption is just as racist as judging an entire race based on a few people. Also, I feel I can safely assume that the blogger has not followed the series. The “white man,” revealed to be Chris Redfield, has battled against the Umbrella Corporation, the company responsible for the outbreaks of zombie and parasitic infestation throughout the entire series. The spoken line of dialogue, “I have a job to do, and I’m going to see it through,” is inferred by the blog to imply Chris’s desire to attack the black villagers. Now, having not played the game myself, I cannot say this for certain, but having played the previous games, I safely infer that this is targeted towards Umbrella Corp. At any rate, the dialogue and actions of Chris cannot be properly interpreted until the full context of the game has been revealed.

In regards to context, it’s not been explicitly revealed where the game is taking place, but if the story is set in a locale indigenous to black people, would people be offended if black people were completely omitted, most likely interpreting that black people aren’t worthy of being in a video game? Would people be offended if the main character was black, believing this glorifies black-on-black violence? Where was this blogger’s outrage when the previous installment featured Spanish villagers as similarly savage? Where was the outrage of racism when all previous zombies, with the exception in Resident Evil 2 of Officer Marvin Branagh, were all white? The blogger has not addressed these issues because they never were issues. In the context of the game, the things being “killed” were dead to begin with, and it was a matter of survival for the main characters. There’s no hidden meaning to the undead nor to their elimination. To paraphrase Freud, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but what we interpret the cigar to mean determines what we believe is there.

Will canceling Resident Evil 5 teach everyone that racism is wrong and people everywhere will join together in peace and harmony? I can safely say it will not. The problems of racism exist not in games, but within people. Games, like novels and movies, address issues; they don’t cause or solve issues. The best we can do is educate ourselves and deal with issues of racism and other negative vices not within the games, which are just interactive fiction, but within ourselves and our society. People make games, games do not make people.

BDPE goes retro with a more classic show style - and tight leather pants. Also this week, Bungie tells Microsoft "K BAI", Bionic Commando swings back into action (lol, gamespot headline), and NEW STREET FIGHT.

Judgment: Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (DS) , The Orange Box (360 / PC)
Jank: Q? Entertainment XBLA Bonanza
Quote: "We won't have a department of defense, we'll have a department of FIGHT"

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Visit tbdpe.com for links to vote and donate.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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By Staff Writer Matt K
Art by Shawn B

NAME: Link (surname unknown)

KNOWN ALIASES: Hero of Legends, Hero of Time, Hero of Winds, Legolas, Prissy Boy in Green Tights

AGE: 21 (real-life, in-game age unknown/varies)

LOCATION: Land of Hyrule

EVIDENCE: The Legend of Zelda series, Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda: The Wand of Gameleon, Zelda’s Adventure.

PROFILE: Another long-time Nintendo associate, suspect has been theorized to be involved in many epic adventures involving the discovery of the Triforce, a legendary power source believed to be connected to Hyrule’s creation. In the course of recovering the Triforce, suspect has come into conflict with notorious villain Ganon and rescued Hyrulian matriarch in training, Princess Zelda. Suspect is a master swordsman, munitions and weapons expert, oftentimes able to combine weapons in unorthodox ways with devastating results. Also suspected to use enchanted items and special powers. Suspect is megalomaniacal, believes his actions are foretold in various prophecies and are justified. Perpetuation of the prophecies and various legends by local townsfolk only fuel his delusion.

CRIMES/DEVIANT BEHAVIOR:

• Organ Harvesting – Suspect believed to be responsible for an innumerable amount of murders, many of which involve him stealing the victims’ hearts. However, this is based on eye-witness testimony, as the suspect detonates the victims’ bodies, supposedly to hide the evidence. Suspect is rumored to use the hearts to “extend his life and rejuvenate,” suspected involvement in a cult known for ritualistic sacrifice.
• Kidnapping/Cruelty to Faeries – Suspect believed to be involved in a string of kidnappings involving faeries. He is known to imprison the faeries in jars corked without air holes. Suspect believed to used faeries as a means of rejuvenation, the fate of the faeries he has “used” is unknown.
• Political Assassination – Suspect has been involved in numerous plots to murder Ganondorf, known consul ant to the Hyrulian king. While Ganondorf is suspected of being the known criminal Ganon, such evidence is believed only by our suspect. Also, despite supposedly successful assassinations, Ganondorf and Ganon continue to return. Investigation is currently underway to confirm or deny the identity of the numerous people going by the name “Ganondorf” or “Ganon.”
• Possession of Concealed Weapons – Suspect has managed to acquire numerous weapons of various types, despite only appearing to have a few pockets and pouches. Also, suspect’s primary weapon, a sword believed to be a legendary artifact, is capable of firing a type of energy projectile with lethal force, making the suspect incredibly dangerous.
• Thievery – Suspect has commit several acts of burglary, mugging (almost always with fatal results), looting, and various other forms of felony-level thievery.
• Trespassing, Breaking and Entering – In relation to thievery, suspect has broken into several domiciles, including the Castle Hyrule, and ancient ruins and temples, despite several guards and traps designed to keep out trespassers.
• Grave Desecration – In relation to thievery and organ harvesting, suspect has desecrated numerous graves and tombs, taking riches, hearts, and other unmentionable items. Bodies once buried have been found out of the grave, violated with weapon marks. Suspect believed to be involved in necromancy and possible necrophilia tendencies.
• Impersonating a Handicap/Mentally Challenged Person - Only chronicled on three occasions, suspect has been shown to move in an unusual manner, manipulating his face to appear as if he is mentally challenged. This is believed to be done to throw off authorities.
• Endangerment of Royalty - In relation to above, suspect perpetuated the ruse of being mentally challenged so far that he allowed himself to be detained on two occasions, warranting the endangerment of the Hyrulian Princess, Zelda, in order to rescue/restore him.
• Poaching and Animal Cruelty – Suspect has aided in the hunting and poaching of local flora and fauna, many of which are rare and endangered. He has been known to trade poach animals for recognition, riches, and general acts of cruelty.
• Poultry Assault and Theft – Suspect has on several occasions been involved in numerous assaults of local poultry. Often, however, these assaults result in the livestock assaulting the suspect, who often runs away before any livestock is killed. Suspect also believed involved in stealing chickens and, through various eye-witnesses, “taken in for a ride.” Bestiality is not ruled out.

By Staff Writer Matt K.

Jack Thompson isn’t real. I don’t mean he doesn’t exist. I’ve never seen him in person to verify his existence, but unless technology has reached the level of the movie S1m0ne and all who supposedly been in person with him are good actors, I’m sure he exists. I’m also willing to believe that the biological, statistical, and unbiased verifiable facts about his personal and professional life are, for the most part, accurate. What isn’t real, however, is “Jack Thompson.” The boisterous, belligerent hate/fear monger who decries the video game industry and video game playing community, all under the name “Jack Thompson, isn’t real.

It’s all an act. An elaborate ruse designed to rise above all the monotonous detritus of activists who believe that their opinions are infallible and should be lifted up above all others. There are innumerable protest organizations, politicians taking a stand against “morally objectionable” topics, and legal counsel trying to implement their interpretations of the law that an ordinary lawyer from Florida just wouldn’t stand out in the quagmire. In order to be noticed, he has to be outrageous. I’m sure plenty of people have applied, and been rejected, for assistant State Attorney under Janet Reno, but who ran against her as prosecutor, tried to get her to claim to be a homosexual or advocate “homosexual agendas,” and then tried to sue her because she put her hand on his shoulder and shook him slightly? There are countless protestors against music with explicit lyrics, but who compared himself to Batman by declaring a crusade against artists such as NWA and 2 Live Crew and advised others to distance themselves from such groups and people, subtly threatening to wreck the reputation of anyone who didn’t heed his “suggestions?” Plenty of politicians seek to bring the adult content of video games to light, but who takes it to the extreme by personally attacking game makers, advocates, and players, attacking the ratings system designed to inform people of the content, and making hysterical and often hypocritical statements that have long been tracked in the news and in writing? All this Jack Thompson has done while maintaining that his cause is righteous, taking any opportunity to make himself seen and heard, yet he is unwilling to accept any consequences for making himself such a public figure, bringing lawsuits and cease and desist notices against anyone who, at best, makes comments against him or, at worst, parody and mock him. This is all an act.

Anyone in touch with the comedy scene of the 1970’s and early 1980’s or has seen the Jim Carrey movie Man on the Moon know of Andy Kaufman. He was an unconventional comedian who bucked the comedic conventions. Instead of simply telling jokes for punch-line effect, Kaufman sought to fool the audience by pretending to be anything but funny. He would pretend to be serious and controversial, creating an act that was designed to go on for the longest time without apparent comedic effect, much to the chagrin of the audience. However, at the last minute, Kaufman would give an incredible feat of humor or impersonation, that would win over the audience members, who had by this time realized they had been fooled. Kaufman would take his act one step further by staying “in character” in public; he would act eccentric and against convention to all but his family and closest friends. No one could ever take Kaufman seriously; some even believed that his death from a rare form of lung cancer in 1983 was the ultimate prank and expected him to reappear, alive and well, some 20 years later. To Kaufman, there was no limit to how far he was willing to go in order to put one over on the audience.

So is “Jack Thompson” nothing but a Kaufman-esque act designed to get a rise out of as many people as possible? If so, one would have to wonder to what purpose the prank serves. Jack Thompson has stated that stores should be responsible and not sell products marked as unsuitable to anyone under the proper age limit, but instead of concentrating on such outlets that fail to enforce the limit, he vehemently targets the developers and publishers, claiming that there is a moral aptitude that must be maintained, especially when it comes to objects that can fall in the hands of children. He claims to be a crusader. However, as much as Jack purports to serve the moral good by bringing to light the wickedness of the music and game industry, his constant decrying of the controversial products only serve to promote said products, especially to the underage games he claims to want to protect. To the game industry, he is the ultimate advertising. He is constantly bringing the developers to task for their creations, allying himself on the side of the legal and moral right. However, his antics often distance him from others in the legal profession, especially judges he lambastes who don’t rule in his favor and the like-minded organizations who disassociate from him when his outrageous comments and questionable tactics are scrutinized.

He has been found certifiably sane by several review boards, but madness can be described as the repetition of actions that lead to a set result with the belief that a different result will occur. Perhaps he enjoys the attention he gets, both good and bad, from all sides. Perhaps there’s a hidden agenda or purpose he intends to reveal at a later date. Perhaps it isn’t an act and everything he says and does can be taken at face value. No one but the real Jack Thompson can say, but who knows who that is? All we know is an eccentric lawyer who uses unorthodox and often counterproductive means to get attention, and as long as we validate his antics and react in knee-jerk fashion, he’ll continue to perform this act for us.

The best we can do is rise above the cycle. Ignore the act, place him back into the sea of faceless lawmakers and politicians seeking to make a name for themselves by spewing out skewed information and meaningless claptrap against anything that will get them attention. Don’t validate his act. Seek to make the gaming industry better, and let the clowns starving for your attention move on to some other circus. There was only one Andy Kaufman, and anyone else is a sad imitation.

In an effort to continuously refine our heat until it's a glimmering pirate chest full of gold, we want to try something new for episode 30.

We did some talking about the show tonight and how we think it could be improved. Some want shorter shows, some want longer shows, some want less news, some want more BATTLE, etc.

So we decided as an experiment, episode 30 is going to be almost completely user-driven. Want us to do news? Post that heat in this thread. Got a topic you want us to discuss? List it in the forums. Got any genius BATTLE ideas? Judgments you want us to do? Janks? Feedback? New segment ideas? You know where it goes.

Not only that, we're going to be streaming the show LIVE! for all of you to listen in.

THE SHOW WILL BE THIS SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30th AT 8PM EASTERN (5pm Pacific, 1am UK)

Listen to the show as it's recorded Live! In addition, you can participate in our Live! chat by joining the room "bdpelive" (no quotes) on any AOL Instant Messenger program. Also, if you've got something to say, you can call in by dialing 845-BATTLE-9 on any phone, or contact our Skype name "bestdamnpodcastever" (no quotes).

Head over to bestdamnpodcastever.com/liveshow and click the "LISTEN LIVE!" button on the right to download the streaming file (lisen.pls), and double-click to open in iTunes (or other audio app) and listen in Live!

Let us know what you think, and get your heat in ASAP.

By Staff Writer Matt K.

NAME: Mario (surname unknown; allegedly Mario)

KNOWN ALIASES: Super Mario, Dr. Mario, Jumpman, Big Poppa ‘Shroom

AGE: 26 (real world)

LOCATION: Brooklyn, New York (birth), Mushroom Kingdom (current)

EVIDENCE: Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong Jr., Mario Bros., Super Mario Series, Dr. Mario, Mario Kart series, Mario Party series.

PROFILE: Long time mascot of Nintendo, suspect’s primary claim to fame is the protagonist of several adventure games involving the rescue of a kidnapped princess from a rival monarch, despite primary occupation being a plumber. Suspect has many guises, all of which have nothing to do with plumbing. Is often accompanied by lesser known brother, Luigi. Suspect revealed he was kidnapped as an infant, which may explain deviant behavior.

CRIMES/DEVIANT BEHAVIOR
Drug Usage – Suspect has been known to consume various controlled substances, believing such give him “super powers.” Per suspect’s testimony, such substances include a mushroom allow him to grow larger (suspected Viagra abuse), a flower of unknown species which allows him to control flames (suspected opium abuse) , a star which gives him a sense of invincibility (suspected cocaine/heroin combination abuse), and different type of mushroom giving him “another life” (substance abuse unknown). Current intelligence shows suspect plans on infiltrating the 2008 Summer Olympics and will most likely consume steroids, speed, and PCP to compete with stronger, faster, and more resilient competitors.

Possession of Controlled Substance with Intent to Distribute – Suspect has been reported to hold various themed “parties” with intent of distributed previously listed controlled substances are distributed amongst the “players” for imbibing. Players then attack each other with intent to achieve various specified goals. So far, only eight of these parties have been confirmed (another party suspected to be “on the go”).

Driving Under the Influence – Suspect has competed in various racing competitions while under the influence of various controlled substances.

Animal Cruelty – Suspect has committed various acts of cruelty towards animals of various species. Acts of cruelty range from imprisonment, submission, and execution, all done without remorse. Methods include crushing underfoot, incineration, munitions, and battery with various objects, including bodies of other victims.

Practicing Medicine without A License – Outside of usage of controlled substance chronicled above, suspect has posed as a medical doctor, prescribing medicine to people with various ailments. Medical professionals have advised that suspect prescribes such a high amount of medicine, many of which do not combat the viruses, that anyone taking the prescription would expire from overdose.

Falsifying Identity – Suspect’s listed profession is plumber, yet despite an affluence of sewer and pipe work, suspect has shown no plumbing work experience. Suspect has also posed as various professions, among which include doctor, archaeologist, animal hunter, boxing official, tennis referee, professional golfer, dancer, typing teacher, artist, and construction worker.

Property Damage – Suspect has used unorthodox methods, primarily jumping and punching, to destroy various brick structures, many under construction and incomplete.

Conspiracy to Commit Kidnapping – Although not convicted, it has recently come to light that suspect may conspire with known criminal Bowser Koopa in various kidnappings, all of which have been the same victim, Princess Peach Toadstool. Suspect then “rescues” victim in an attempt to garner fame and fortune. Investigation currently underway.

CURRENT ACTIVITY: Suspect is currently organizing an underground fighting tournament known as “Smash Bros.” Suspect should be considered armed and incredibly dangerous. Avoid if around open flame, while riding a green dragon-like creature, or is at a higher level.

HALO 3! HALO 3! HALO 3! HALO 3! Oh, sorry. Microsoft PR has gotten to us. Also this week, Mac gaming sucks a little less, Iwata > Gates, FASA Studio = OVUR, and playing WOW until you DIE.

Judgment: Gametap
Jank: 360 Wireless Controller Adapter for PC
Quote: "Thumbs up on that woman, by the way"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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Submitted by listener Matt K.

With all the controversy over games such as Manhunt 2, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, and various other M rated games, I would like to propose a concept for a game that is absolutely critic proof. This game will have large amounts of violent, sexual, and other objectionable content and will be marketed to everyone. While developing this game would be most advantageous to Rockstar/Take Two, I send this concept out to anyone for consideration.

Now first, I must confess that this is not my original creation as I’m adapting the concept from another source (but don’t worry, the copyright has long expired). The game would span years, decades, even centuries and millenniums and will have a large cast of playable characters. Each character will have various strength and weaknesses, but unlike most games, with the exception of two playable characters, you will only get one life per character to complete each story/mission. Difficulty is so high you will surely have to rely on the God Mode to complete the game. Gameplay will be a sandbox of various types, including Action-Adventure with RPG-like character status assigning and changing, Real-Time War Strategy, Stealth, Life and City Simulation, and even animal-raising, with random mini-games thrown in, however, don’t think you’ll be able to do whatever you want as each story is decidedly linear.

Violence: Up front, there is a lot of violence of various types. There are one-on-one battles, one-against-many battles, and battles between nations. There are some missions where you will have to decimate entire towns, including women and children. The various ways of death include, but are not limited to, stabbing, strangulation, burning, throwing into pits, torture, and even supernatural deaths. Some may say that the violence is over the top, but I guarantee you it is staying true to the source material.

Sexual content: Like any other game, this is where most of the hate for the game will most likely come up, but once again, I would like to remind readers and any potential protesters that all of this is being truthful to the source material. There is a good bit of nudity, especially at the beginning, and several scantily-clad characters appear throughout. Actual sexual intercourse occurs on-screen including consensual sex, non-consensual sex, incest, sex with minors, and sex between same-genders. Various dialogues describing various acts of sex will also be present.

Other objectionable content will include consumption of alcoholic beverages (including a mini-game where your character produces wine) and profanity (though not necessarily the same words we are used to, the intent will be the same). Religious overtones will permeate throughout the game. Also, the actions of the various characters can be interpreted differently by various people per their beliefs. Children will most likely want to emulate the above content after prolonged, unsupervised (or even supervised) game play.

With all that said, I feel that the usual game deriders will be hard pressed to bring objections to this game, because objecting to the game will mean objecting to the source material. Also, while the above description would normally rank an M or even an AO in any other game, this game deserves an E because the source material is marketed, even encouraged to be used by children of all ages. The name of this game?

“The Holy Bible”! BLAM!

This week BDPE is broadcasting to you from Firaxis Games in Maryland, and we sit down with Ryan Meier, of Sid Meier fame, for a chat. We also help a listener cure cancer at asphaltdream.com

Also this week, Virginia Tech shooter inspired by the downfall of Sega, Sony's pricedrop evaporates, and UNCUT Manhunt 2 headed to the Netherlands, like seriously, it's not a marketing ploy.

Judgment: Pinball FX (XBLA)
Jank: Expired XBLA Jank
Quote: "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

VOTE FOR US AT PODCAST ALLEY! DBZ GOKU!

Hi, Kalex Gerstmann here, writing for the BDPE news site. Like the title says I’ll be writing about bad stuff in games. And no I don’t mean Best Damn Boobie.jpg, this will more touch on the mechanics and making of the game.

I’ve been thinking about writing this article for a long time, and a lot of this is completely improvised while I write this, so bear with me. This article is about the bad stuff in video games that get on my nerves--including gameplay developers put in games that make no sense at all, and will sometimes make players shelve the game with no compulsion to play through it or pick it up again. It will also talk about character and story development, along with some other stuff. I think that this is becoming more of a problem since good games are becoming few and far between. You might say “What are you talking about?” Well here is what I’m talking about.

For this Article I’ve split games into three or four types. First there is the Good Games, games that you keep you interested to play through, beat, and replay the game for whatever reasons. Then there are the Average Games, games that you will pick up play through a good portion of, or beat the game if it’s good enough and if it’s on the higher spectrum of average you might fool around with it a little bit after but then that’s it, it goes into the lonely Archives of your game library. Then the Bad Games these are the games that are the ones that you might stagger through half of hoping it’ll get better through some twist, and then when it doesn’t it goes in the trash or collects dust on your shelf. Then there are the Abominations. These are types of games that should never see the light of day but did anyway, games like Action 52, Big Rigs: Over the road Racing, and E.T. We won’t focus much on these games because they’re not important and if you do focus on them you’ll go blind.

The problem is that there aren’t enough Good Games coming out lately. There is Bioshock and Strangehold might be good, the rest are Average or Bad. Luckily Abominations are few and far between thank god, and we haven’t had any of them lately, I don’t think. Okay so first, why so few Good games? Well let’s first look at an Average game that has come out, Stuntman: Ignition. While it is fun to drive around and blow stuff up by hitting the action button when you’re supposed to, the game is mostly about trial and error, and luck, also you’re expected to know how to play the game without them fully explaining it to you. So that can turn people off who are new to the game. I remember first trying out the demo of it, and because the tutorial explained virtually nothing I had figure everything out myself. So you need to explain stuff beforehand to new players. Another big thing is atmosphere, this is a part the Bioshock really nailed. Feeling like it’s you who is looking into this world can make for a great game, but really not a lot of games get that, they say in pre-release while hyping it “oh you’ll feel like you really are mowing down aliens with ease” but usually you don’t, you’re usually just feeling like you just need to play for a few more hours so you can beat that game and get that last few achievements. And then there is story, you can’t just put in a five minute effort story set in a Fantasy or Space Marines vs. Aliens universe that’s been done a thousand times before and expect it to be an engrossing story. So that’s what makes up a deep game, now let’s look at shallow games. Stranglehold is a good example. What makes a shallow game fun? Explosions, guns, and dozens of enemy getting gunned down, by you the hero. What makes a good shallow games is giving the player everything quickly, all the guns, abilities, and a lot of enemy’s to test these out on, and above all, making it all look cool so the player feels awesome while he splits his hundredth enemy’s face open.

But here is the really important aspect of both types of games. You need to be smart about making stuff that’s fun. There are some things that developers put in as a puzzle or a twist that makes you want to smash your head on the desk until the pain goes away. I remember playing Overlord and at one point you have to make your way through the sewers under a city in the game infested with zombie. (by the way, all RPGs have to have sewers infested with undead somewhere) and all you have is blue minions, which are good for support because they can resurrect the more fighting types of minions, but they are all you have and they suck and fighting. Soon though you come across a brown minion gate, and since these guys are your main fighters then you think your saved, right? Wrong, the gate is submerged in water so if you try to summon a minion they drown. So what you have to do is have your blue minions camp out by the gate, since they’re the only ones who can swim, and when a brown minion dies they have to grab him and rush him back to land and bring him back, and you have to do this in order summon any brown minions at this spot. It’s tedious and it takes a while. So instead of simply summoning them on dry land you have to do all that. This is one of those moments when you ask yourself “Why is this fun!?!” What’s so great about having to find your way around some stupid block that to use a simple game mechanic that you’ve been able to use easily up until now?! And because of stuff like that I ended up shelving Overlord until recently when I finely decided to give it another go.

Thank you for listening to my ranting, and please read my next article that will touch on characters, story, and more.

Listener Jordan B. sent us an awesome photo of himself and everyone's favorite eight patty delight, the OCTOMAC.

Got any Octomac sightings photos yourself? Send em' in here and you might be on BDPE next time.

Submitted by listener Matt K.

The video game industry is like no other industry out there.

Where else do you get people who play and practice day after day at something that is ultimately inconsequential with the hopes that one day their talent will be recognized and sponsored in tournaments to prove that they are the best around, thereby earning money, fame, and respect of people who aren’t quite as good? Oh wait, that’s the Sports Industry!

Well, where else do you get people who worship something that they feel “changes their life,” and will tell to all who care to listen of the greatness of it and will flame and demonize anyone else who believes otherwise? Oh wait, that’s Religion!

Still, where else can you find a product that features characters and enemies of outlandish proportions, yet have much humanity, and chronicles their many adventures that can be bought on a regular basis, and the industry itself is often demonized by egotistical, opportunistic jerks posing as men of renown who think we should all do as they say and think these products are only for kids and should not be made? Oh wait, that’s the Comic Book Industry!

Alright then, where else can you find products that are hailed as great upon their initial release, only to be soon forgotten when sequels or similar items come out, only for those knock-offs to be forgotten and the originals be touted as groundbreaking long after their availability is gone and you have to basically spend money on something you’ve already bought before? Oh wait, that’s the Movie Industry!

Fine, last time, what other industry provides you with something that looks great, allows you to be by yourself and play with yourself for hours and go online to find a large market of people who like to do the exact same thing? Oh wait, that’s the Porn Industry!

Oh well, at least no other industry has something like Best Damn Podcast Ever, a show that features three charismatic yet socially stunted men whose lexicon has entered the public conscious and are considered the end all be all for all things humorous and are shunned by their peers. Unless you count Howard Stern.

Gaming journalism blows. And nothing more clearly illustrates this than game reviews. So BDPE has decided it's about time we FIXED them.

Also this week, we've got another Battle victim, OMG 360 HAX, medical researchers wasting real money on virtual studies, and Uwe Boll > Penny Arcade Expo.

Judgment: Space Giraffe (XBLA)
Jank: Space Giraffe (XBLA)
Quote: "The pants go down and the butter comes out"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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What's this? Semi-regular content on BDPE? HOW CAN BE? On this week's show, we call our second Battle victim and discuss pornographic games - answering the age old question, "Should I rape Ayumi? Yes, No, Maybe"

Also this week, Denis Dyack spouts prose on the future of games to hide his own tears, Total War series announces a game in no way related to God of War, and the Dreamcast was seriously wounded, BUT THE SOUL STILL BURNS.

Judgment: Bioshock (360 / PC)
Jank: 18,000 Microsoft Points Jank
Quote: "William Miller, the nipples are sacred. Sacred!"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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BDPE has been gone for an entire month! We've traveled many lands, hiked through rivers and valleys, and climbed the tallest mountains. Now, we return to you with the secret of legends...

Also this week, id announces RAGE only to be beaten to the punch by DOOM, PREY, FEAR, HALO, and HAZE, Silicon Knights gets stole on, plus THEY CAUGHT DIETRICH.

Judgment: Contact (DS)
Jank: Olevia 232V HDTV
Quote: "I was not ready. It was probably up there in the three biggest challenges of my life. Along with being born and playing Megaman for the first time"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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The BDPE Crew interviews Bruce Morrison of Freeverse Software - lead producer on Marathon Durandal for the Xbox Live Arcade. We ask the questions on everyone's mind and learn of the project's World of Warcraft origins, the process of a small mac developer working with a huge IP, some of the technical and organizational challenges that had to be overcome, and some sort of terrifying song about the death of Mac gaming...

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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E3. OMG. TCP/IP. This week we've got a monster of a show as we discuss the Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony press conferences at E3. We also discuss our favorite picks at E3, take some disgruntled listener calls, and get serenaded about a sick child.

Judgement: Etrian Odyssey (DS)
Jank: Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance (NGC), Project Sylpheed (360)
Quote: "We will have no talk of that on this show"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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Contest Winner:

David M. (Featured Above)

Runners Up:

-Kerry G.

- J21

-Corey D.

Marathon Durandal. Xbox Live Arcade. Trailer created by Blake Buck.

DDDDD

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It's been approximately twenty minutes since I ate the OCTO-MAC, and here I am alive, conscious, and dextrous enough to type out this report. No word yet from my gut, but my head is throbbing like the probably still-beating heart of the cow that I just ate.

I walked across the street to McDonald's at approximately 6:30 PM on July 4, 2007. It is only fitting, on the day commemorating the War of 1812 in which we secured our independence from Japan, that we add another American victory over the land of the setting sun, this time in the areas of food preparation, distribution, and consumption.

Stationed at the counter was a Mexican woman, proud to serve the masses as is her patriotic duty. She smiled at me as I approached, a piece of drawing paper in my hands. "OCTO-MAC," I said, pointing at this picture.

(Yes, I know the picture's spelled wrong. Bite me.)

I also ordered a vanilla milkshake and fries. After all, I'm a growing boy.

I arrived at home around 7:00 (OCTO-MACS take time to construct) and set down the weighty bag of food. I set the table, McDonald's Style, and proceeded to remove the paper barrier from the OCTO-MAC itself.

I nearly cried.

They made a variation on the original design, so as to keep the OCTO-MAC from being top heavy: six patties on the bottom, two on the top. A clever innovation, I must say.

Here is a picture of me before exposure to the OCTO-MAC:

And here is what I looked like directly after removing the barrier:

Time stopped. My senses dulled. I was truly alive for the first time since Family Matters went off the air. I took a bite.

I devoured the monstrosity in under two minutes. Special sauce ran down my chin, my hands, and my arms. I picked stray bits of lettuce and beef from the paper in front of me. The beast had been slain, and I basked in the glory of the kill. Then I finished my fries and shake.

IT IS A GOOD DAY TO EAT.

-Lucas O'Bryen

This week we talk in-game advertising, some of the crappiest games of all time, and something called the "octo-meat". Also, Sid Meier civilizing consoles, Nintendo gets on the downloadable content boat, and the new Soldier of Fortune remake is probably going to suck.

Judgement: Planet Puzzle League (DS)
Jank: Blu-Ray Blowout (http://www.bluraysavings.com/)
Quote: "There's clearly a scrotum on that gun"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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Renowned scholar and intellectual Blake Buck shares his thoughts on the gaming industry, the future of new media, and breasts. Part three includes Blake Buck's thoughts on the Culinary Arts.

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In the words of Justin Fic, "Oh, my mic is still on son" After no less than 5 failed show attempts, we are finally back. Also on this week's show, Mac gaming sucks a little less, Spore delayed until it doesn't suck, Manhunt 2 gets neutered, and William Miller is replaced by a robot halfway through the show.

Judgement: DEFCON (PC / Mac)
Jank: Wireless Nerf PS2 Controller @ Wal-Mart
Quote: "That was a duke that had been built up for far too long, and came blastin' out the a**hole like a brown Superman"

VOTE FOR US AT PODCAST ALLEY! DBZ GOKU!

Visit tbdpe.com for links to vote and donate.

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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Renowned scholar and intellectual Blake Buck shares his thoughts on the gaming industry, the future of new media, and breasts. Part two includes Blake Bucks thoughts on literature.

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BDPE is back with more regular show updates! No seriously, like for realz. Also on this week's show, GTA IV possibly delayed - Jack Thompson brought in for questioning, Justin Fic's got robots on his DS, Starcraft 2 is accounced; South Korea collectively blows a nut, and the winner of the mimic Blake Buck contest!

Judgement: Shadowrun (360 / Vista)
Jank: Forza Motorsport (Xbox), Game Days @ EB / Gamestop
Quote: "Put your DS down, put some pants on, and get over here"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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Tom Barbalet wraps up his host interviews this week with William Miller - the silent glue of BDPE. Miller talks about his research on spiders, early game development, meeting Blake Buck, and the future.

As always, you can hear the interview by subscribing with any Podcatcher software (such as iTunes) by clicking the buttons to the right, or by simply clicking the "Play Now!" to instantly stream the interview.

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Renowned scholar and intellectual Blake Buch shares his thoughts on the gaming industry, the future of new media, and breasts.

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Achievement Unlocked. If you own an Xbox 360, you have no doubt seen these words. Seemingly innocent and designed as simply a ploy to keep gamers playing games (instead of watching Movies, socializing with friends or having lives). But despite Microsoft’s intentions, achievements have created a new form of entertainment, social status, marketing and a quantitative measure to a qualitative problem.

To dig into this, I’ll first turn the system on myself.

This represents me. Not just an aging snapshot, but also a live updating representation of me. Lets dissect it a bit. First the name, what I have chosen to call myself. Entire books are written on this, and it’s nothing new, so we will gloss over it. Next we have my Rep, it’s a player review representation of me. How well do I play with others? It also stems into what kind of a gamer I am. Look around your friends list; chances are you have people all over the place in rep. Some of them might be jerks, but most likely the rep separates those who use games as simply entertainment and those who use games as a social vehicle for interaction. Talking online with a friend and playing the same game together can be nearly identical to spending face time with that person. Yet, despite it involving human interaction, you are very much alone.

There is debate as to the social aspect of “meeting online,” be it a game, myspace or some back ally on IRC. There have been several studies to link Internet social interaction and loneliness as well as several to link the exact opposite, citing a strengthening in long distance relationships. Ultimately the effects of this will not be known for some time, as it is still in its infancy.

Regardless you can determine from a glance at someone’s rep (to get back on task here) their degree of online socialization and thus the kind of gamer they are (solitary or social).

Now we have the “G” or Gamer Score. This is the most brilliant part of achievements. Microsoft took the very qualitative measure of “how good of a gamer are you” and turned it into a quantitative value. The more points the more skills you have. But it digs deeper than that. If you were to do a cross examination of points and achievements you could determine exactly what kind of gamer someone is, and what kind of games appeal to them. All this information has been put into the public by Microsoft; it’s easily readable off their database. In this information you can find exactly what you need to market to the right people.

Again lets take me. If you click to expand my gamer card, you will see all the achievements I have earned and those I have not. If you were to explore them, you will find I do not play Ranked Online games. I just don’t care about deathmatching. You can see I enjoy First Person Shooters, enough to attempt to finish them fully (except for FEAR). All of this information is better than any study on a market could hope to accomplish. I’m almost insulted to think that no company has attempted to exploit this information to market their products to me.

This gamer score also tells you how long, how often and how much I like to game. If an achievement requires someone to log 100+ hours into a game, it’s pretty obvious what their minimal game playtime is. It’s also pretty safe to assume that larger gamer score = more active gamer/longer member of Xbox Live. There’s a few ways to cheat, but that just reinforces the concept that the bigger your score, the better a gamer you are.

What does all of this mean to you? Believe it or not, but the Achievement Unlocked sound is the sound of potential $$$. It’s an old concept being executed on a global scale like never before. It’s also a very unoriginal company Microsoft paving the way for a new way Gamers interact with each other. Believe it, you will see the Achievement system continues to grow and expand. Playstation Home will incorporate Sony’s attempt at Achievements, and I expect Nintendo to make one of their own.

Who knows, in years to come, you may find people selling their Achievement Expertise online, willing to (for a fee) improve your gamer score (or whatever it is called) to advance you up the social ladder of the future.

Who is Thomas Barbalet? Consultant? Podcast editor? Shout boy? International sex symbol? Find out this week as he guest hosts with the rest of the BDPE crew. Also this week we've got kiddie (fox) porn in Second Life, THQ makes billions off crap games, and Square Enix inbreeding reaches an all-time high.

Judgement: Crackdown DLC, Double Dragon XBLA, R4 DS Flashcart
Jank: Mo' Money Taxes: The Album, Trade-in Jank
Quote: "Then, number two tried to introduce some _____ into the equation"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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The BDPE crew descends upon New York City to attend the IGDA Christmas party. Note: Guitar Hero + Open Bar = BAD CALL.

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Easy to say Barbalet dropped me a note this morning.

The BDPE Cafepress store is open!

Best Damn Merchandise Ever!

Drop on by and buy merchandise so I can go yachting.

On a sad note, where's the Face.jpg thong?

This week we are graced by the presence of the mighty BEN BUCK DOUBLE B! He shares with us his thoughts on gaming, his experiences with the ladies, and something about the barracks. Also this week, Kaz Harai replaces Ken Kutaragi and no one notices, the leaked Gears of War script already sucks, and Call of Duty goes back to the future.

Judgement: Pokemon Diamond / Pearl
Jank: 360 HD DVD Drive for $72?, Saints Row and Lego Star Wars II now 360 Platinum Hits
Quote: "Blake Buck ain't got time for weight loss. He's a podcaster. A professional podcaster."

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

VOTE FOR US AT PODCAST ALLEY! DBZ GOKU!

Thanks to your votes, BDPE is the highest rated gaming podcast on Podcast Alley! But we'll need more this month if you want that sexy Marathon video. Also on this week's show, the PS3 still sucks, politicians up in arms after the first GTA IV trailer, and a brand new contest.

Judgement: Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, Jetpac Refueled, Earth Defense Force 2017, Scurge Hive, Puzzle Quest
Jank: Earth Defense Force 2017 @ EBgames / Gamestop
Quote: "I love all manner of the arts. And beauty. My pectoral muscles are the size of watermelons."

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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It's September 2005. The United States is suffering from a terrible post-industrial depression and the west is still a wild and untamed frontier. Subversive communists are at every corner, and in the streets women burn their brassieres in an act of defiance. The world is in chaos.

Yet through this darkness, there is light. A single beam of hope of things to come. Beneath the star of DDD, a podcast was born. It would become the BEST DAMN PODCAST EVER.

MacDudes was our very first attmept at podcasting. Originally intended as a spinoff of Adam Christianson's MacCast with a humorous twist, the MacDudes quicly turned into the IMG Podcast, and later BDPE. It may be crude, but it still has the heart of BDPE.

Got feedback? Leave it here.

Note: Episode 18 hilarity coming very soon!

Tom Barbalet explores the cavernous space inside Blake Buck's head in this reflective interview. Blake Buck talks of his past, how he met the other hosts, the trenches of IMG, and secret behind the scenes heat! Check out the .m4a version for tons of behind the scenes photos!

As always, you can hear the interview by subscribing with any Podcatcher software (such as iTunes) by clicking the buttons to the right, or by simply clicking the "Play Now!" to instantly stream the interview.

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The EDF or Earth Defense Force are an elite group of soilders who's one mission is to protect Planet Earth from the hords of evil in the universe.

Join us now citizen as we protect our planet from the Ravagers--a group of blood thirsty aliens.

Do you have the chops to make it? I think so, but watch this instructional video to make sure you got the mustard.

So go go go and buy this game. It's the best damn game you can find.

Freeverse Software's Big Bang Brain Games is easily the best collection of puzzle games ever created. Is this because it features fantastic graphics? A poweful musical score? Enthralling gameplay? Or because it's getting high scores on a certain unspeakable website?

NO.

It's because BLAKE BUCK made the trailer. Keep an eye out for subtle BDPE references too!

YouTube Player:

It's our 50th show! Soon we'll start talking about the how the picture show used to be a nickel and demanding senior discounts at Gamestop. Also this week we've got Take-Two cut-n-runnin', your brand new 360 is now last-gen, and a gaming journalism battle royale.

Judgement: God of War Mini Judgement, Izuna: Legend of the Unemployed Ninja
Quad Jank: Amazon Marketplace, Dreamfall, Sticks, Cheap MS Points
Quote: "I've told you a million f**ing times. It's not f**ing Crispix. I eat Crispix every f**ing day. In fact, when I duke, I duke Crispix."

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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On this week show we talk about both independent game development and independent game journalism, and how both are stifled by pretentious douche-bags and circle jerking. We've also got some great new contest entries!

Judgement: Crackdown & Alien Homonid HD Revisit
Jank: Alien Homonid HD for $10 on XBLA
Quote: "Look, I've seen Brian Crecente. And let me tell you something - that man is not attractive. He is ugly."

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

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I'm off to GDC for the week. So don't expect any updates by me. I leave it in the hands of Mr. Buck.

Also, that image is the first result if you GIS "GDC". Funny eh?

EDIT: Previously offensive image has been replaced by happy kittens.

Here it is. The best, undisputed BEST DAMN GAME INTRO EVER. I'm talking about Activision's amazing 3D Mech-vehicle simulator.

Mechwarrior 2

For those of you out there who are too young to know of this game, forget anything you might know about Mechwarrior, especially "Mech Assault".

Mechwarrior 2 was a full on simulation. Every key on the keyboard did something. This was not run and gun, it was strategic. You build your Mech in the shop, adding parts and watching weight and heat* distribution. Then you follow a mission plan, using satellite uplink info and nav points. Then of course you discover how you can set your guns to group fire and unload your payload at once (but be ready to hit "O" to override the system shutdown due to over heating*). What does this game-play have to do with the movie? Simple--The short but gripping intro set the entire stage for what you would encounter. There has yet to be a more gripping and compelling video created.

Don't beleive me? Well you should! Lets take a look at why this intro rules supreme.

Mechs

Explosions

Gripping story

Amazing Music

Explosions

That's really all you need. Every single time I went to play this game, I had to watch the intro, it just gave me chills. It set the stage for a gripping bloody struggle, in Mechs.

*Note: Heat actually means thermodynamics in this case.

Now before you click on the Youtube link to play, I need to sadden you. Youtube cannot handle this video, that's how good it is. The audio is off on every upload I have tried. Thus, instead of watching the Youtube link below, I urge you to download the file here and watch it in it's glory.

So, think we are full of crap? Think our list is jank? Well let us know on the forums. Tell us what YOUR top 10 list is. You could just be right.

Number 2 - Ninja Gaiden 2
Number 3 - Full Throttle
Number 4 - Dawn of War
Number 5 - Out of this World
Number 6 - Devil May Cry 3
Number 7 - Final Fantasy VII / Carmageddon
Number 8 - Quake 2
Number 9 - Red Alert 2
Number 10 - Nightmare Creatures 2

We are back, after a nice little break to let everyone discuss the previous top 8 game intros. There's been some heated debate even some, dare I say it?, Nay Saying.

Our number 2, Best Damn Game Intro Ever is a NES classic. This intro is not only cinematic, but a technical masterpiece. I'm talking about Tecmo's

Ninja Gaiden 2

This intro uses some impressive parallax scrolling to achieve a look never really seen on a game system before. Sure it wasn't the first game to scroll. But the way they used it, the motion of the characters, the sky and clouds, it all comes together in a way that makes you say "A Nintendo can do that?"

Combine this with the both very movie like introduction of the main characters and the extensive dialogue (which you'll notice actually flows like it's being spoken) and you have an intro that wouldn't be matched for years.

Marvel in this greatness, and also pay respect to the music. This is devotion.

Closer and closer to #1. Dare I give a hint? Oh it's just too juicy, you'll have to wait!

Number 3 - Full Throttle
Number 4 - Dawn of War
Number 5 - Out of this World
Number 6 - Devil May Cry 3
Number 7 - Final Fantasy VII / Carmageddon
Number 8 - Quake 2
Number 9 - Red Alert 2
Number 10 - Nightmare Creatures 2

↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A Start
Also this week the ESRB may have to actually start playing games, a culturally insensitive look into japanese game development, and shocking new contest developments!

Judgement: Final Fantasy VI (GBA)
Jank: Serious Sam 2 for $7.99 @ Gamespot, Valentines Candy Galore
Quote: "So now you have to play this, or else I'll have wasted five cups of rice"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

We've got a brand now show format to minimize the rehash and maximize discussion and the funny! And by the funny, I mean fart jokes. This week we've got the Metal Gear Movie (hopefully starring Kurt Russel), Xbox Gamerscore points now get you more than just respect from your co-workers at Gamestop, and GoD games becomes Gamecock (insert penis joke here). We also discuss our favorite game bosses, read your feedback, and what's this? A brand new contest?

Judgement: Sid Meier's Pirates (PSP)
Jank: Sid Meier's Pirates (PSP), Freedom Fighters (PS2, Xbox, GCN)
Quote: "Dude, Snake is not manly enough to be played by Kurt Russel"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

So I'm checking my Savannah College of Art and Design email the other day, and noticed that Apple will be conducting interviews for game design positions, including 3D animators and modelers to work at the Apple campus in Cupertino. Now, you don't really need a team of 3D artists to make iPod games. Could this mean Apple is working on first party game titles? Blake Buck says no. William Miller says yes.

Needless to say, I've dropped my resume bomb in that box upstairs. We'll see if anything happens. Stay tuned!

"Whenever I smell asphalt..." That's the opener, spoken in a low gruff voice. The kind of voice that says "I just got out of prison for stabbing a guy." It's a voice belonging to the leader of the Polecats. So, ranking in at Number 3, of the Best Damn Intros of all time...

Full Throttle

Lucas Arts and Tim Schafer at their finest. It's the story of Ben Throttle a biker gang leader in a future world were bikers are being phased out. The intro digs into the carefree nature of these bikers. Bonus points, as the game plays like an interactive cartoon, with voice talent and graphics to match. You have no soul if you don't just love every moment of this intro.

We are getting close to #1, just some parallax scrolling in between...

Number 4 - Dawn of War
Number 5 - Out of this World
Number 6 - Devil May Cry 3
Number 7 - Final Fantasy VII / Carmageddon
Number 8 - Quake 2
Number 9 - Red Alert 2
Number 10 - Nightmare Creatures 2

When it comes to game intros, there's one name that should be on everyone's mind: Blur.

Blur? Who are they? Blur is the finest CGI studio in existence, EVER! Well, they got together with THQ to do the intro of a damned fine game, you might know it as:

Dawn of War

Based on some Warhammer thing I don't care about, Dawn of War is a honest to god, faithful RTS that picks up where Star Craft left off. The game it's self is one of the finest ever crafted, but lets focus on the intro.

Right away, we have Guns with Chain-saws*

*Note from editor: I'm not making any Cliffy B or Gears jokes/references/call-em-outs.

Orks in space, mechs, and cigar smoking flame-thrower dudes. Add to this amazing CGI and and a gory epic blood soaked intro, and you have a damned fine cinematic. Really what can I type at this point? Just watch, enjoy, and watch again, then enjoy again.

It's only getting even more-betterest from here on out kids.

Next time, and the 3rd best game intro of all time, I smell asphalt.

Number 5 - Out of this World
Number 6 - Devil May Cry 3
Number 7 - Final Fantasy VII / Carmageddon
Number 8 - Quake 2
Number 9 - Red Alert 2
Number 10 - Nightmare Creatures 2

On this week's show we've got eBay delisting my +10 bracers of critical strike, Girls = austrailian for gaming, and Jack Thompson rides the headlines into a firey pit of dispair. We also discuss multiplayer gaming, and pick some of our favorite multiplayer games (including meta games, like drunken Contra).

Judgement: Alien Homonid HD
Jank: Lumines Live? & $1 SNEEK KEENG
Quote: "If you play Contra, and you can't keep up with the other guy, you are not a man"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

Science. It's the stuff games are made. Need some plot? How about Science? All too often some scientist dawns a power suit and saves the world. This time, lets let the scientist kick ass on his terms.

Out of this World

or

Another World

Same game, two names!

That's right Gordon Freeman doesn't have crap on Lester Knight Chaykin, action scientist.

So why is this game intro so rocking? First of all, it was done in engine, in 1991, and was a stunning use of vector animation. The facial expressions and movement were just top notch. Plus the art style is so beautiful. If you don't get chills from this, then you should check for a pulse. Seriously, this into sets the mood and pace for what is about to be a gripping adventure into an alternate reality. Now, enjoy some science:

Next time on BDPE, ORK ORK ORK ORK!

Number 6 - Devil May Cry 3
Number 7 - Final Fantasy VII / Carmageddon
Number 8 - Quake 2
Number 9 - Red Alert 2
Number 10 - Nightmare Creatures 2

The video I have for you all this week is not even game-related at all. It's an ad for a tax company that I saw on local TV in Oxford, MS called Mo' Money Taxes who apparently opperates in the south-eastern United States.

However, after seeing it, I immediately replayed it 5 times on my Tivo, laughing harder each time. The ad is some sort of half-baked Dukes of Hazzard parody, but is so completely ridiculous, it get's funnier every time you watch it.

Why is he eating chips? What is he saying? Why are there so many clock's in Boss' office set to different times? Why can't the cops keep their belts on? How can you say dipshit on television? Why does the video have crazy lines in it and alternate between black and white and full color? Why do they refer to the repair man as "Sugar Man", then a few seconds later in the same sentence call him "Dog Pound"? Why does the attractive lady make the cop dr