Mike "I hate everyone" Apps

Professional game reviewer, I’m sure it’s something most of the people reading this wish they had as a job. The problem however, with most of the professional game writers out there seems to be that they don’t care about you (gamers) anymore. What do I mean exactly? Basically, game reviewers these days have reverted to practices such as giving favorable reviews to game genres they enjoy and giving bad reviews to games from genres they dislike or have grown tired of, and they do a pore job of hiding. In short, game reviewers have made game ranking information all but worthless.

First of all, expanding the earlier point, how is it that constantly RPGs using the time tested formula that loads of gamers love get bashed on, while over-hyped, derivative shooting games get amazing ratings and no mention is made of how these games do nothing new for the genre. I’m sorry folks, but Gears of War using a chainsaw isn’t ground-breaking. This practice is enough to drive a gamer mad. You see it in most console RPG reviews, “typical console RPG”, but where the heck is the “typical shooter” tag? From the sales of big name franchises we can see that people like familiarity, and familiarity is something both of these genres do very well, new games being easy to pick up and play for fans of the franchise. However, I would contend that even the most boring RPG does more varied things than even the greatest shooter. Romancing Saga, a so-so RPG, does a lot more varied things with the RPG formula than say Halo 2 does with the shooter formula. I mean, you shoot things, possibly drive vehicles, possible have specially powers, and there may or may not be an interesting story, that about boils down all shooters. I guess you have to be named Dragon Quest or Final Fantasy to escape the meaningless “typical console RPG label” (and Dragon Quest is certainly a series that doesn’t change much). Typical isn’t bad reviewers, especially if it as a good story, and as is most important in games, is fun.

Secondly, its time to axe the graphics rating for games, completely. In an age where the graphics ability varies widely from the various consoles and portable consoles, it simply has no meaning anymore. We all know it doesn’t mean “is this game horrible to look at” and rather means “how much shadows and lighting effects does it throw at you at once”. Don’t be fooled here, I love shadow and lighting effects as much as the next person, but some of the best games out there can be some of the least graphically impressive. Take the Legend of Zelda, Twilight Princess for example. I’ve seen some reviewers bash it because its graphics are basically Gamecube quality graphics with little improvement, to which I would reply, so what? Was there something wrong with the last generation of graphics? It certain doesn’t seem like it when I’m playing Wind Waker or Resident Evil 4. So now games are suddenly bad if they show up on the next-gen with last-gen graphics? I for one would still play another Zelda game that looks like Ocarina of Time.

My point in all this ranting is that the graphics scale in games review is supposed to be about how nice and unobtrusive a games graphics are, not how technically advanced they are. Since I see now way of reviewers rating games not on how advanced the graphics are the scale needs to be axed completely. I mean, if they made games that much better, why the heck are more people enjoying the Nintendo DS then are enjoying the PSP?

Finally, game reviewers need to escape the hype machine. The majority of highly hyped games theses days end up averaging ratings in the 9 range, and a lot of them simply don’t deserve it. Gears of War? I’m sure it’s a lot of fun, but from everything I’ve heard and seen it’s simply not that amazing. Halo? Please, the Marathon games were better. Final Fantasy 8? Wooped by any other game in the series in terms of fun. The Grand Theft Auto Series? Sorry the gameplay just isn’t that deep. None of super-hyped games are usually bad, but for Christ sakes they’re not all 9’s. Too often do reviewers get caught in the hype and forget that there simply isn’t as much greatness there as thought. Frankly, the only truly amazing fun shooter I’ve played since Goldeneye is Halo 2, so some of these reviewers are lying.

Alright I think I’ve complained enough. I will admit that a lot of my gripes here are my opinions and some people may not agree with, but I think we can all agree that game reviews these days are flawed. Something has to be wrong when games with clear flaws like Gears of War and F.E.A.R. are getting reviews putting them in the range of classics like Ocarina of Time and Golden Eye. Until things improve, gamers are going to have to fend for themselves, or try and find ways of seeing through over hyped graphics happy reviewers.

Box Art, you see it with every purchase of a game. To some people, it's just a simple way to tell what game they are playing. But to many, those looking for a new world to explore Box Art can be a glimpse into what is in the game.

There are many news sites and blogs that have done funny articles on bad box art, but it does not seem people appreciate the art.

Lets take a look at Box Art design and appreciate the attention and detail in these games. Of course box art can run the gamut from high-resolution shots of the game, to wild fantasy drawings by an artist. This look at Box Art focuses mostly on the Atari/Amiga era. That's not to say there is no good Box Art. Most modern box art is quite frankly too good, or too accurate. Now that actual in game graphics are so impressive, the box art at times seems to pale in comparison. But back in the day when your character was a small collection of pixels it was up to the player to imagine the world they were exploring. The artwork on the box detailed the experience in ways the game never could.

First lets take a look at the Art of the Atari.

Asteroids is one of the more iconic games of the Atari. But look at this box. Your starship has such detail, such meaning. Those asteroids are floating worlds of rock. Ok, so maybe I elaborate, but does that look fun or what? There's so much detail in the starship. On your TV it's just a crappy triangle. But on that box, you can tell it travels worlds. Plus, that late 70s/early 80s sci-fi art is so timeless. This box sets the stage for the rest of the great Atari box art.

Here we have the Atari 7800 version of Asteroids. While a more "advanced version" you can see the artwork was changed significantly. The Asteroids themselves now look more like their in game counterpart. The starship is now shown from the top, letting you see where you sit when flying. This new image also defines the scale of the game. Previously, it had seemed your ship was a huge battle cruiser destroying threatening asteroids the size of Texas. Now it is obvious these are just big space rocks. A new addition is the image of the space aliens and their crafts. This box art has both advantages over the original Asteroids art, but it also falls short. It lacks the wonder of space and the glorious depiction of interstellar travel. But it does define the game better.

Here we are really focusing on the stylized art of the art. This is a combination of the sci-fi look with a gritty "realistic" look. This is the same style used on older movie posters. All the proportions are different as is the scale. It's not a revolutionary design, but the attention to detail on the box is something that has been lost in modern games.

Katakis (also known as Denaris) is a game I've never played. I've never even seen it in action. Honestly I know nothing about it, the Wikipedia had no entries for Katakis. However, the box art is just amazing. Its got rip-off Aliens, slime, scary skulls and a bitchen starship. There's no way in hell I wouldn't have killed a man for that game if I saw it in a store.

Ok, I'm cheating with this one, but I just love the art. Yes, this is really art from the movie poster slapped on the game. But they just don't do movie posters like that anymore. It's still an impressive looking box. Fox really had something going with the yellow bars from the logo. I'd love to see a new "MegaForce" game, one that hopefully has nothing to do with the movie.

I'll admit it. I never played Defender until it appeared on Xbox Live Arcade. I can see how revolutionary it was when it first came out. What I really like about this box is the woman on the cover. She's very specific. I also like how there seems to be some kind of death ray coming from the defender ship into her. I imagine she's about to be vaporized. Very graphic, and cool.

I can't think of a more iconic period game than Missile Command. The game visually represents the tensions and fears during the cold war so perfectly. Sure they set this in space in the future (can't you tell from that awesome missile commander’s space hat?) but everything about it screams "OMG RUSSIA DON'T NUKE US!" I also have to give bonus points for the perky breasts of the space woman.

It's amazing how good Mission Impossible looks without Tom Cruise. This game is a great combination of the Cold War and the fantastic TV series. Here you can see how feared Radiation (The Silent Killer!) was. The highlights of this box are the Angry Scientist, old school bomb and a mushroom cloud. I just wonder how the theme song sounded on a Commodore.

Ok this box sucks. But, Ninjas! Rabbits! International! It's "cool" by obscurity.

One of my earliest childhood memories of the Atari is this game. The domed spaceship with the entire city on top just stuck with me. It's a theme that's occurred in movies and games since. The art's not terribly good, it screams of airbrushing, but it's just sinister enough to make you worried, what are these aliens going to probe?

The last of the Atari games, Super Breakout is the most daring and blatant lie to consumers I've ever seen. Apparently John Glenn is the man moving the paddle in breakout. Did you know that? I sure as hell didn't. I've never seen a simple puzzle game dressed up to be so epic and yet still feature rainbows. Atari had some balls back in the day, that's for sure.

The Nintendo Entertainment System did manage to break away from the Atari styled boxes and games. They still had some great artwork, and they designed the boxes to be more functional.

Konami was still trying to do the Atari thing with this box. Fortunately the airbrushed "Life Force" logo and the swirling flame make up for their sneaky drawing.

This box is cool for a reason. It's a big rip-off. This is right from Terminator. Thankfully Terminator was a kick ass movie, thus this box is kick ass. What is interesting (and unintentional) is the forecasting this box did for the Metal Gear series. Other than using the wrong actor for Snake it's pretty much perfect.

Snake's Revenge is a good box, it's not nearly as cool as Meal Gear, but it's got its charm. Because Snake is now an artists drawing instead of a copy, he loses some of his personality. Fortunately, that's made up with Mechs, Trains, Boats and chicks.

Leaving the Nintendo, lets venture into the world of First Person shooters. In the early 90s, there was only one defining FPS.

DOOM! The style of the logo and its technology just set the stage for this box. The demons are crawling out of the depths of hell, one looking back to give the player a nice "how do you do" before ripping into our hero (check those abs!). The cover to Doom just oozed awesomeness. But this cover also pioneered a look to be imitated for years to come.

If DOOM was the king of the FPS, then Duke Nukem was the Duke (oh man I seriously just high-fived someone that was so clever). Borrowing from it's distant cousin, Duke 3D shows us the same classic, standing on top of a pile of dead guys while shooting my cool gun look. The art in Duke could be better, but it's nice. Not nearly as epic as DOOM, but a good look.

In keeping with this odd "Family" theme I suddenly have going, Prime Target represents the slightly retarded cousin. The game was pretty awesome, but as a Mac title, many people missed it. However, it might very well be my favorite box of all time. First we have guy standing on top of other guys shooting is awesome gun. But unlike Duke or Mr. Doom, our hero is ACTION LAWYER! He has a Power Tie! Amazing ripped abs and enough grey in his hair to make him wise, but enough color for him to KICK YOUR ASS! Also in the background we have a Ninja and the "I can't believe you shot me" guy slowly bleeding out in front of capitol hill.

Moving away from FPSs, we come to a box style that incorporates live actors. Here we have the nice group shot from Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego. They were very smart not to photograph her face. I can only imagine the disappointment someone must of felt when they loaded this up on their Apple IIe to find horrible pixel art.

Well, this time they did show Carmen's face. This box is a bit more exciting (even if it is missing a time traveling future motorcycle). However, you are probably the worst detective on earth if you can't catch her, she's right there JUST GRAB HER! Now that I'm older, I can't help but to think there's about to be some spy on criminal lovemaking. Miss Sandiego, are you trying to seduce me? Educational? More like Sexucational.

What’s great about the Space Quest 2 box, is the entirety is made of real images photographed. No fancy schmancy computer art here. I'd love to get one of those lawyers or better the Space Quest 2 logo. I just looks so great and corny next to the bad star field.

This is hand down the most absurd and famous box for using a live actor. The story goes, there were hundreds of games with spaceships on the cover. So they got this really old guy to come in and play the banjo and stare in wonder at the spaceship. He always looked like he was in the middle of a song when Alzheimers hit and he forgot who is son was. Apparently he was just about to die when they took this photo.

Now for the grand finale, four games from Psygnosis. These are in a class by themselves. If I could find high quality printable versions I'd have these framed. I can't do them justice in words, so here they are.

The future is now! The PS3 and Wii have been released, my 360 can download HD movies, and the Doc says we've got to go back to the wild west and make a flying train. Also this week, the New York Times bashes the PS3, gery goo covers Second Life, and PS3 = UNLIMITED TACOS FOR LIFE.
Judgement: Guitar Hero 2
Jank: Holiday Game Shirts
Quote: "I think I did more damage to my wrist in those two times playing Miserlou then fifteen years of furious masterbation"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

It's true, they suck...

No wait, what? According to GameSpot (from here on out we will call them something funny like LameSpot or GameSnot, or LameSnot, there we go!) Mario Bros. and Zelda for the Wii rank in at "Poor".

Look at that! Mario Bros! A Poor! What the hell has happened? For one, GameSnot has decided to review the classic games of yore with the same rating system they use for Halo. What the hell?

First lets address the positive. It is nice to see these games reviewed. There is a generation of serious gamers out there who never played the classic Mario Bros. It's nice to see them get a chance.

Now, the crap. Why would they be rating these games on a modern scale? Do these games even translate to a modern scale? Lets take the Legend of Zelda. While the game is somewhat shallow by modern standards, this game SET the standard that all games followed. They pioneered things that were just unheard of. In Zelda you could save your game, it was an action RPG, and it had a huge persistent world. Sure that can be a standard in a game today, but at the time, there was nothing like that. You can't judge a game like Mario Bros or Zelda without acknowledging its history.

I do think it's fair to rate the Virtual Console (or Xbox 360 Live Arcade Games) but you have to rate them in comparison to what you are doing. It is good to tell people what to expect before they buy it. But at the same time, rate them according to what they are. These are 20-year-old games, treat them accordingly.

Kaboom, that's the sound of Blake Buck's Turkey Fryer burning down a small suburban neighborhood.

Happy Thanksgiving from BDPE.

What are we thankful for? Why, the following list of D

Heat!

Guitar Hero 2's Co-Op and Pro Face Off Modes (P.S. Nobody understands her pain!!! ANGST!)

Small Arms! It's like Smash Brothers, only with bigger guns, and hamsters. Xbox Live Arcade is the schizzy!

Jet Blue airlines. We have to do too much travel around here. But like 30 channels of Direct TV guarantees a Law and Order SVU Marathon!

I'm a bit tired from Turkey Turkey Turkey and a case of brews. So expect more videogame goodness tomorrow when I wake from my coma.

Swarm Racer is an addicting freeware game developed by Lexaloffle Games Ltd., of "Zen Puzzle Garden" fame. You play as a swarm of bees collecting silver squares ("gems") that are cosmetically arranged on a 2D track with a pseudo-3D pink-dotted background. Why? Because thats what bees do. Swarm mechanics make this game an interesting change from ordinary racers such as MTX Mototrax, James Bond 007 Nightfire, The Lord of The--erm... However, since it only has 8 levels, there is only so much you can do with this game.
Your goal as a swarm of bees is simple: Collect all the gems on the level as fast as possible. Each level is laid out like a race track, so it's more of a race instead of a collection game. You use the arrow keys
to maneuver your squad, and the z and x keys to fly in formation and group together. While necessary in parts, using these keys will slow down your swarm
immensely, increasing your time.

The gameplay is fast-paced, and in the frenzy you will most likely leave some of your bees behind. This might seem fine for a while, but if you lose too many your
bees will start to slow down, as their friends try to catch up. If you lose enough, your view may even fly back to a chasing group of bees behind you.

Once you've run through the levels once, you'll find yourself playing each level again and again and again to get the fastest time possible. If you think your time was hot, you can submit it online to compete against other players, such as um... "toosh".

As I said earlier, the gameplay in Swarm Racer is very fast-paced... and the SPEED! It's AMAZING! ... Ok so maybe it's not that fast, but if you are looking for extreme speed, there is still hope! With a few seconds' experimentation, you should be able to find
the super-secret turbo key.

SoundparagraphGO: Cool retro music plays in the menu and the bees buzz it's cool.

The SPEED:
Moderately fast-paced
Easy to learn
Earning trophies makes your life seem meaningful
High scores
Turbo key
2D Bee Elements

The Zen Puzzle Garden:
Only 8 tracks
Compete with toosh
It doesn't really make your life meaningful

Judgement:
Extremely Entertaining

For only a few MB's, it's definitely worth a try. Great game for playing while clicking Google Ads on BDPE.com.

Free download for Mac OS X or that other thing:
http://www.lexaloffle.com/swarm.php

This week we've got the full review of Gears of War for Xbox 360. This game is so OMG awesome we almost forgot that it's actually just sorta good. Also in this week we check out Team Ninja's new game: Itagaki's Intern Groper, Nolan Bushnell believes we still care about what he thinks, and Stefan Erickson convicted - Deitrich still at large.
Judgement: Gears of War
Jank of the Week: Oblivion Guide @ Amazon
Quote of the Week: "Either get in front of our animators and jiggle, or go cry in the closet"

If you have any feedback, you can shoot us an email here, call our voicemail at 845-BATTLE-9, or leave your thoughts in our forums here.

... Still need a banner here Miller

Hello BDPEers.

You’re going to see some changes around here. BB, Miller and JFic have appointed me as the Senior News Editor. Basically, I'll be making sure this front page is never dull. I'll also be posting the guest articles in a timely fashion. So, prepare to see more front-page heat, and rest assured that the Podcastizens will have ample time to perfect the heat.

[Article by listener Bruce Morrison of Freeverse Fame]

This season marks the launch of two consoles, each appearing right around the corner from each other. As a dedicated BDPE listener, you find yourself standing in line in the bitter cold all night long, just to snag a Playstation 3 or Wii (or both!). As the bitter artic wind chaps your lips you think back to fond memories of your family trip to Death Valley or that time your buddy bet you 20 bucks you would not eat an entire dish of Wasibi and ended up in the emergency room where the really attractive nurse saw you in your underpants.

Err… in either case, you long for something warm as the snot in your nose dries into a foot long snotcicle.

Little do you know that all of this could be avoided if you had just prepared. What am I talking about? Why, making some kick ass Chili the day before!

The Best Damn Podcast Ever’s Best Damn Chili Ever!

First we need to go shopping. So press pause and turn the TV off (don’t worry, Marvel Ultimate Alliance will be there when you get back) and head out to your local supermarket.

Here is what you will need to get:

1. One pound of raw primal ground beef. The leanness is up to you.
2. One onion, don’t cry on me Nancy!
3. One clove of garlic (to ward off Vampires, and any lady foolish to set foot into your apartment/mother’s basement).
4. 2 cans of diced tomatoes.
5. 1 can of beans that are black.
6. 1 can of beans that are red, possibly kidney shaped.
7. 1 can of beans that are neither red nor black. Possibly white or off white? Just avoid anything green, that’s just weird.

A note about Beans. Lets face it; they all taste the same if you do your Chili right. This is mostly so it looks interesting and multi colored. Go with your gut instinct on this.

1. A 6 pack of beer. This is highly important, don’t forget the beer. There will be a quiz on this, so write it down now. I prefer Mexican beer such as the Corona, but get one you will enjoy.
2. 1 bag of restaurant style nacho chips. This is important, just like the beer. Sheash, it’s on the list, just get it already.
3. 1 lime. If you enjoy lime in your Carona, get 2 limes.
4. Shredded Cheese. This is optional, but Chili with cheese is deeeeee-lish!
5. Hot Peppers, of the dried variety. Now if you like your Chili wuss or “Blake” style, then you can skip this.
6. Spices. You need some Chili Powder, Salt, Pepper, and dried Cumin. Don’t’ skimp, this is where the power of the Chili is born.

Preparation time. There are 2 ways you can go about making the Chili. You can put it in a big pot over low heat and wait forever, watch it all the time and stir like mad. Or you can exercise your brain smarts and use a Croc pot. In either case you want to:

1. Mash up the ground beef in a pan along with 1/3 of that onion, and half of the clove of garlic.
2. As this starts to sizzle, start sprinkling on some Chili Powder, Salt, Pepper and Cumin. Go light, we can always add more.
3. Once this really starts to sizzle and cook, take that beer you have and pour about 1/4, or all that is in the neck into the pan with the meat. This will keep it juicy.
4. While all this is going, open both cans of tomatoes, and all your cans of beans, drain them and dump them into your Croc pot (or lame-o-regular pot).
5. Now that the meat is done, go ahead and strain it (to remove all the oil) and then dump it into the Croc pot.
6. Stir up your newly formed Chili as it starts to heat*.

*Note: In this case, when we say “heat” we actually mean temperature and the act of cooking. D still means D.

1. Now pour the rest of your beer into this. What? You have been drinking it? Excellent! Crack open another one and add half to 3/4ths of it.
2. Now you’ll want to start seasoning, this can be tricky, add spices slowly, then mix it all up and taste the juice. Eventually it’ll taste good.
3. If you like your Chili with some heat† now is a good time to add your hot peppers.

† Again, we just mean temperature, but unlike the time before this has to do with being really spicy. Confusing I know.

1. Remember that lime you just HAD to buy? Well chop it in half, and then squeeze half of it into the chili. Really give it a good hearty mashing. Then drop the entire thing into the mix.
2. Take that bag of restaurant nachos and open it up. Take a good hearty handful and crush the ever-living hell out of them. I like to do this in a plastic bag. Your goal is to turn it into sand, or at least really small rocks. See, nacho chips have a thickening agent in them. If you were to buy this agent alone, it’d cost a lot, but in chip form it’s cheap. Plus the chips have a good amount of salt, and give the Chili an authentic Mexican flavor—Olay!
3. Once again stir. Keep tasting it; you may find it needs more kick. Just keep adding things slowly until it tastes right.
4. Wait. That’s all you do now. If this is in a pot, you have to keep checking it, making sure it does not burn, turn the heat on and off. If you were smart (and attractive) you used a Croc pot and took a nap, maybe read a good book or called Mom just to “catch up”.

That’s pretty much it. If you’re an advanced gourmet, you could splash in some Tabasco, or add some tomatillos for extra pizzazz.
On the day of the big console release, just pack this up in a thermos. All you need is a spoon or fork (or the beloved spork) and a hearty appetite. While all the other chumps are freezing their neither regions off, you will be enjoying some southwestern wonderfulness! And if you have any left over, head back out to the supermarket, pick up some hotdogs and buns and OMFG! Chili Dogs. Does life get any better than this? I doubt it.

What's that you say? A week's time has elapsed since episode 7 and there's no new show? SHOCKING. I know you all are devastated. Miller's been having Comcast troubles all week, so we haven't been able to get the show edited together.

However! We've got another show in the works and hopefully some video content coming this week, so stay tuned for futher updates. In the meantime, feel free to entertain yourself in our forums.

[Article by listener Chris Noble]

No one enjoys turning digital people/aliens/demons into gory chunks of meat more than me, the first person shooter has been my primary source of stress relief for many years. Old fashioned 3D shooters typically had around 10 weapons (sometimes with secondary fire as well) and they all kicked arse. No matter how 'basic' the weapon was you still felt like God when you had an enemy in your sights. Take Unreal Tournament for example: The weapons were all roughly equal in terms of damage (except the Redeemer), it was all down to personal preference what instrument of utter destruction you used. I even remember that back then you were defined by your choice of UT or Quake 3 Arena.

Now look. There were two first person shooters released this year for the PC*. Two. Battlefield 2142 is hardly a 'classic' FPS (nor have I had a chance to play it yet). Prey is a very shiny game, with excellent plot and atmosphere good gameplay etc. etc. I have one beef with it. The guns. None give me the feeling of pure killing godliness when I got them, even the rocket launcher. I kept feeling throughout the game "this is cool and all, but why isn't it Duke Nukem Forever?". Why?

Halo. Yes thats right, the reason we have no face melting FPS games around at the moment is the beloved Halo. Halo introduced the recovering health/shield system that every game at the moment feels obliged to use. Halo introduced the realistic (but annoying) two guns at once rule. But far worse Halo started the dumming down of the FPS. The levels all look very very similar. The guns are all weak, with the exception of the pistol, which makes no sense.

All you need to make a fun FPS is cool looking environments that don't all look the freaking same. You need guns that make your enemies quake in fear. You need a game that is long enough to give hours upon hours of pure kill frenzied enjoyment**. Don't patronize me with recharging health, just give me a weapon that turns my opponent into molten goo. Halo ruined a perfectly good genre, so I charge a games development house to make a game that restores my faith in new FPS's. Until then I'll just keep playing UT.

*Console FPS's do not count. I'm sorry analogue pads suck in comparison to a keyboard and mouse setup.

**"But the graphics in *insert game here* are so much better than your rubbish old games!". True. Does it really matter? No. Gameplay is more important than graphics any-day in my book.

[Review by listener Mike Apps]

Hey all Mike Apps, a.k.a. Auron from the forums, (that’s right not Mike Watson despite what Blake Buck keeps saying on the show, not that Mike Watson isn’t a cool dude or anything) here with some more new heat. I felt this was necessary considering many of you will remember way back to the IMG podcast, Blake Buck used to bash Dragon Quest 8 endlessly, and frankly he’s just plain wrong, and I don’t mean like “oops I misspelt this word” wrong or “oops I can’t get our writer’s name write”. Oh no, I mean like “Jack Thompsan on Bully” wrong. Dragon Quest 8 is pure RPG goodness, and without going into obscene details I’ll tell you why.

To answer a quick few questions you may have, such as, “what the hell is Dragon Quest?” Dragon Quest 8 is a console RPG with turn based battles and the story has nothing to do with the previous games in the series so you’ll have no problems starting at this one. You may be wondering where the other seven games are, and that’s probably because the series used to be called Dragon Warrior in the U.S. Many of you should remember the first game, as it was given out free to Nintendo Power subscribers. If you were never subscribers, well then what the heck is wrong with you? Anyway, TSR, makers of Dungeons had the copyright to the Dragon Quest name until recent years, so they were forced to use the Dragon Warrior name until now. Now that we have the history lesson out of the way, on to the good stuff.

Despite having a typical dark storyline involving stopping various evil doers, Dragon Quest 8 probably has the funniest monsters you’ll ever see in a RPG. The classic slimes seen in all Dragon Quest (or Dragon Warrior as previous games from the series in the U.S. were called), but from there monsters range from dancing demons, to smiling rock bombs who often as not sit there laughing at you instead of attacking. Bosses are no different, one of the funniest of which tries talking smack talk but has been hit in the head so many times he can’t talk straight. Fighting new monsters for the first time in the game is always fun because you never know what strange things the new monsters will do. One of the oddest I’ve seen is a puppeteer who “told an invigorating story” to my party and instantly raised all there attack power.

If you think these hilarious monsters are easy however, you’re dead wrong. DQ8 is the first console RPG since, well probably since DQ7 that can woop your butt. RPG these days tend to be if not necessarily easy, certainly not as hard as they were in Dragon Warrior 1-3 days. This right here is probably why Blake hated this game; he simply couldn’t take that heat. The game includes a simple upgrade system for you characters, that allows you to upgrade skill in certain weapons and learn skills related to that weapon or spells. In addition, each character has a unique skill, such as courage which gives more unique abilities (for the female in the group, it is of course Sex appeal). It’s not the best character upgrade system out there, but it’s interesting, and learning to use it well can mean the difference between kicking butt, or getting your butt handed to you by a slime and a group of dancing frogs.

To put it simply, Dragon Quest 8 is the perfect mix of old school and new school. It’s got all the old school appeal with its more open ended approach unlike many current RPGs, complete with a classic style battle system. The battles in DQ8 really feel like DQ1 battles in glorious 3D, and all the classic monsters and music make it fit perfectly in the series. However it does infuse lots of new into the series with voice acting for the first time, plenty of story and cut scenes, and beautiful 3D graphics. Previous games in the series never made any leaps and bounds in the graphics department, but DQ8 is probably one of the best looking games you’ll ever see on the PS2. Made by Level5 of Dark Cloud fame, the game uses Cell shaded graphics to bring the wonderful world to life. The world is simply a joy to explore. So if you’ve got a PS2, I highly recommend you pick it up, no matter what Blake says. BLAM.