By Reclusive Writer MattK, who has Spawn down in a pit and forcing it to rub lotion on its skin.
Bishop of Battle from Nightmares (1983)
Starring
Emilio Estevez
Director
Joseph Sargent
Teenager J.J. Cooney (played by twenty-something Emilio Estevez) plays the typical teenager: rocking a rat tail (hey, it IS the 80's after all), complaining about school, getting into fights with parents over school, hustling hair-netted latino gang members for money to play more video games. Yes, J.J. needs all the money he can to fuel his deadly habit: reaching level 13 in the Bishop of Battle. The Bishop of Battle, with a floating vector-head Bishop (bearing a familial resemblance to Andross’s vector head from Star Fox) that taunts the player in the typical 80’s robo voice, is J.J.’s obsession, as kids whisper in hushed tones that no one can reach the final 13th level, going so far as to believing that it doesn’t exist. Their heeds fall on J.J.’s deaf ears…well, perhaps his punk-blasting-head phoned ears. J.J. insists that he’s heard tell some “Kid From Jersey” has made it to the 13th level (I’m guessing his initials are KFJ), and he aims join this elite rank of video game warriors. J.J. will let nothing stop him: not his friends insisting on eating pizza (which he considers lame…”spending money on pizza? As if!”), not the manager of the arcade who kicks him out for something stupid like “closing time” despite J.J. self-proclamations of being his “best customer,” not his parents who ground him for bad grades, not even the warnings of his best friend Zock (no, that’s not a typo, the damn kid’s parents hate him enough to not even name him after the Lego Maniac!). After running out of the house, J.J. breaks back into the mall, powers up the Bishop of Battle, and, despite the mediocre skills he displays during the typical montage, manages to finally beat level 12, which prompts the machine to partake in epileptic fits and fall apart. J.J. thinks this is funny and isn’t all that concerned that he’s not only committed breaking and entering, but also destruction of property. The game soon wipes the smile from his face, zapping him with some kind of laser beam and sending out all kind of vector-enemies from the smoldering heap at him. J.J. proceeds to shoot at them with the gun that broke off from the machine (he shows surprise AFTER aiming and shooting…what the fuck was he expecting it to do?), but soon makes a hasty escape…only to be cut-off by the BISHOP OF BATTLE!...who seems to be a lot larger in the real world. Having dropped the gun before leaving (brilliant), J.J. has no recourse but to scream in horror as the Bishop approaches him. In the final act, Zock and J.J.’s parents, having searched everywhere but the most obvious location for J.J., head for the mall arcade, where the owner and all his customers (obviously not his best customers) discover that all the machines have been destroyed in some kind of strange firefight. Well, all except one. Zock walks over to the reformed Bishop of Battle game in time to see his best friend on the game screen, to be vectorfied and placed as the new game avatar…the Bishop of Battle taunting all comers.
You know Jack Thompson is waiting for the day that he can present this as evidence for why video games must be kept out of the hands of minors. After the success of Tron, moviemakers didn’t waste any time in jumping on this hot new trend of placing video games in just about any crap movie. While movies like WarGames and The Last Star Fighter do have merit…if nothing else for the sense of nostalgia, this piece of anti-game propaganda seemed to head in the other direction, using games more as a warning of its harmful effects on society. However, the film doesn’t seem to make clear which of the dangers is more poignant. Is it the “fact” video games lead to kids not wanting to spend money on pizza? Is it the poor school grades and rude behavior towards parents? Is it the tendency to commit vandalism and other dastardly acts? Or is it that too much video game playing leads to video games coming into the real world to do actual physical battle with the winners? I can’t imagine what type of programming would have to go towards the game to bring about that particular feature. Needless to say, any attempt at creating any sane, if misguided, social message against video gaming is lost towards the film’s horror “twist” that’s so ludicrous the Crypt Keeper would consider it beneath him. Even if you consider yourself a “bad video game movie connoisseur,” don’t feel bad that you’ve not heard of this before. The film's poster even says that this is one of those films "you've never heard of." That's pretty sad.
Perhaps the best thing about this film is the filmmakers didn’t waste their time by trying to stretch out the lame concept into a full length feature film and instead decided to limit it to a segment of a four-part horror anthology. Of course, that means you have to sludge through 3 other “not scary” tales, unless, of course, you decide to just fast-forward to the segment (do you really think this film would have a DVD release? See below). Other than that, there’s nothing good to say about it. The acting is over-the-top after-school special; the plot too, for that matter. The whole thing looks as if it was shot (poorly) for television but then given a theatrical release (it was). The vector graphics (oooooh) are incredibly dated, along with everything else in the film (like an arcade owner would only charge a single quarter for such a “hot game”). As a film, it’s barely worth the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment. If Tron was a landmark film, this one is a landfill film. You might think “well, surely everyone went on to do better things.” Well, let me just say that the director, Joseph Sargent, went on to direct Jaws: The Revenge. Yes, folks, he’s the Uwe Boll of the 1980s, only without the conviction or willingness to beat up his critics.
Some trivia: IMDB claims that Emilio Estevez went through a two week training course to learn how to properly hold and fire a gun while fighting the vector-enemies released from the game. Let’s think about that for a minute: an actor trying to play a normal, ordinary video gaming teenager went through firearms training. Sure, method acting is one thing, but that’d be like Adam Sandler going through training at the water treatment as research for his role in The Waterboy. It’s a bit overkill to learn a skill that your character shouldn’t have. That two weeks would have been better spent in acting lessons. Also, the “awesome” computer graphics nearly bankrupted production of the entire movie, further proof that the film was made for TV…and the budget was $106.43. So why was the film distributed as a theatrical film rather than television? “Too scary for television.” HA!
So yeah, it’s understandable why there was no official game tie-in to coincide with this movie. It would be a bit hypocritical, considering the whole point of this was to abstain from the deadly video game habit. Besides, who wants to play a game that literally kills you once you reach a certain level?
Gamer Culture Exposed
So, what does a film designed to show the dangers of the video game habit reveal about gaming culture? Well, like Tron, it seems to perpetuate the stereotype that people come not to play games, but to watch people with questionable skill play games. J.J. claims he’s the arcade owner’s best customer, but I’m willing to bet that if he kicked his rat-tailed ass out more often, the rest of the kids would go back to spending their milk money on these machines. Ten kids with crappy gaming skills are more likely to spend more than one kid who can beat most games on one quarter. Also, J.J.’s fans actually pull a kid off of the Bishop of Battle, and J.J. recompenses him by letting the kid hold his jacket. If I were that kid, I’d have hightailed it out of there and have myself a free jacket.
This film also shows that gamers like to talk to their games. Now, this has always perplexed me. I’ve never found myself in the middle of playing a game and suddenly desiring to have a conversation with the game itself. Granted, I would throw out a couple of choice “goddamits” “shits” and “FUCK YOU YA FUCKED UP FUCKING GAME!”, but that was more of a pronouncement to all within earshot, not directed to the game itself as if I were expecting a response. But no, J.J. feels compelled to taunt the Bishop of Battle, obviously under the impression that just because the damn game can talk, it has the power of communication.
Finally, and perhaps the most erroneous slight against all gamers, the film seems to think that we’re all just anti-social pricks who shun friends, family, and good grades aside in order to beat a game…hmmm…well, maybe that one’s not too far off. Just about any gamer can agree that the fight between J.J. and his folks didn’t hit a little close to home. I’d also like to say that it was wrong in thinking that we’d commit felony acts for gaming…but considering the recent acts involving Playstation 3 and Grand Theft Auto IV, I’m starting to think that the film is a bit prophetic. In all seriousness, because the film was designed as a warning that all gamers will become like J.J. and in reality only a very small percentage do (not captured and integrated into games, though I imagine that statistic is low as well), I won’t hold the movie up as anything more than coincidental.
Oh, and there are only two types of arcades: the clean mall variety, and the seedy gang hang out where much game hustling goes on. Because, y’know, game hustling is the best kids can do until they graduate to pool hustling and card hustling.
Availability
Alright, despite my earlier claims, this tripe actually had a DVD release. However, not only is it out of print and not worth tracking down at any price (though for you Betamax fans out there, it is available on Amazon for $2.99), you can watch the Bishop of Battle segments for free on YouTube. Obviously, if there are any copyright holders to this flick, they’re not even bothering to contest it.
Formula
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Contra 4, however, also continues the tradition of taking lesser gamers, bending them over, and raping them so hard up their virgin asses that even members of their immediate family don't walk straight for a week. Which brings me to the most common complaint about Contra 4: people invariably say it's too difficult. I've had at least 3 people tell me they had to put the game down because they got killed in the first 10 seconds. And all I can say to that is: look. You don't play Contra 4 the way you play these other sissy games that pander to how much you suck. When you pick up Contra 4, you are declaring war, and you are expected to treat it with the seriousness that war demands. If the first enemy kills you enough times, eventually you learn to juke his bullets, and kill his ass. That, my friend, is what videogames are all about. 